A Morning Dedication
by titanium22
Summary: Santana and Brittany haven't seen each other in five years. They haven't even heard each other's voice. Or that's what Santana thinks. And one day she makes the wrong, or right, decision to talk about their past on her radio show.
1. Chapter 1

A Morning Dedication

Chapter 1:

"No, I don't want to come home." Santana sighs and runs a hand through her hair. She's on the phone with her mother, who's been trying to convince her to go back to Lima for Christmas next month.

"_Everybody's asking me what's going on with you, what you're doing. They're your family and they miss you, mija. They haven't seen you in five years._" Maribel says softly. She knows not to pressure Santana on this subject too much.

"No, they ask too many questions." She mumbles as she watches her finger that's now drawing random patterns on the kitchen table. She has a pretty big family and everybody is always in her business. Sometimes she hates it. Other times she hates it more. She loves her family though.

"_They're not bad, Santanita. They don't want to jinx you or be jealous of you. They just care about you."_

"I don't want them to care, mami! I just don't want them asking me anything about _anyone_. I'm pretty sure that's what they want to do!" She exclaims quietly because she doesn't want Quinn, who's in the living room, to hear her. "I'm not coming to Lima, I'm sorry." She says more calmly, although she doesn't feel calm at all. She hasn't been back home since she was eighteen, she only sees her parents whenever they come to New York to see her. And she knows that they miss her and she misses her parents too. But she's _definitely _not going back there. And Maribel seems to understand that, if you go by the sigh she lets out.

"_She isn't here, mija._" She says carefully, fully aware of how mentioning 'her' can affect her daughter.

"You don't know that." Santana stands up from the table to go to the fridge. Now she needs a drink.

"_I haven't seen her in years and Lima is pretty small. I'm pretty sure she left._"

"Alright!" She doesn't want to hear any more of this. She heard it a thousand times.

"_Santanita, you can't avoid your family forever…_" Maribel trails off and Santana downs the glass of wine she poured for herself before interrupting her mother.

"You're not allowed to tell anything to anyone!"

"_We're not kids, Santanita._" Maribel knows that Santana still feels bad. That she feels extremely guilty. And she knows that the last thing Santana needs is someone else, except herself, blaming her too.

"Tell papi I said hi and I'll talk to you soon, ok?" She wants to immediately hang up the phone but she doesn't for a few excruciating seconds as she waits for her mother to agree. As she waits for her mother to understand that this is still difficult for her. And she's pretty sure it's going to be difficult for a long time to come.

"_Ok, mija. I love you._"

"I love you too." Santana hangs up and throws her phone on the counter before leaning on it with her elbows and rubs her face with her hands. "Fuck." She whispers to herself. She really didn't want to remember 'her' again. It just can't seem to leave her alone. It's been five years. But maybe that's her punishment…

She swallows hard before taking a big breath, only to let it out shakily, trying to regain her composure. She straightens up again and pours another glass of wine and turns to go back in the living room.

"Are you ok?" Quinn asks once she sees her.

"Yes." Santana nods as she sits next to her. She places the glass she's holding on the coffee table and then picks up her laptop, setting it on her lap as she sits cross-legged on the couch.

"Was that Dani?" Quinn asks then, making Santana blink a few times because she completely forgot about her ex. The woman she broke up with only a week ago. "Did she say that she wants you guys to get back together?"

"What? No, it was my mom. And why would Dani want us to get back together?"

"I don't know. 'It wasn't working' doesn't seem like a good reason for me to end an eight-month relationship."

"It wasn't working, Q." Santana sighs. She's having too many conversations that she doesn't want to have today. Quinn hums because she certainly knows _why_ 'it wasn't working' with Dani. She knows why it didn't work with anybody Santana tried to date these last few years. But she doesn't comment. She just wants to give Santana the opportunity to talk about it. To talk about 'her'. But Santana obviously doesn't want to do that. She never did.

"Ok, so about that photoshoot." Quinn goes to change the subject, although she knows that the brunette won't want to talk about that either.

"You really don't know what to talk to me about, do you?" Santana rolls her eyes before glaring at her friend and Quinn rolls her eyes too.

"San, please think about it!" She says exasperated. "It's in your contract to promote your own show. I shouldn't even argue with you about this. More listeners mean more commercials. And commercials mean money!"

"I know that, Q. And I do promote my show. I promote my _radio _show with my _voice._ And there's the Twitter and Facebook too. My face is not getting in this game." She says with finality as she returns her attention to her laptop. It's pretty clear how adamant she is about this.

"But it's a hot face!" Quinn argues, making Santana look at her again with an amused eyebrow arched. She lets her hand slowly close the gap between her and her friend on the couch, until she reaches the blonde's hand.

"You think I'm hot?" She asks, playfully looking at her friend through her eyelashes and letting her finger caress the back of Quinn's hand.

"Oh, come on!" The blonde groans and swats Santana's hand away, making the brunette chuckle. "Just do it!"

"No." She says seriously, letting Quinn know that this conversation is over, and turns back to her laptop.

"Just one photoshoot." Quinn throws anyway, although she knows that it won't convince Santana. And the brunette doesn't even look up from her laptop, where she's going through the playlist for tomorrow morning one more time, confirming to Quinn that a photoshoot is off the table. At least for now. "Fine." She mumbles bitterly and reaches on the coffee table to take Santana's glass of wine and drinks all of it.

"What's up, blondie?" Santana asks, watching her friend as she places the glass back on the coffee table. "Sam didn't call, did he?" Sam and Quinn went on a couple of dates but apparently he isn't into her as much as she is into him.

"No, he didn't!" Quinn shouts looking at Santana with wide, _terrifying _eyes, making her jump startled.

"Jeez, woman. Pull yourself together, have some self-respect!" She rolls her eyes and clicks her tongue as she turns back to her laptop, seconds before she feels Quinn hitting her on the arm. She turns to glare at her, only to find her friend looking back with her own glare. "Look, if you want to clean my apartment to get Sam out of your system then I'm not gonna stop you. Go ahead." She opens her arms, gesturing for Quinn to start cleaning.

"I'm not cleaning your apartment!" Quinn looks at her incredulously.

"I know you want to." Santana looks back pointedly, making Quinn bite her bottom lip and look around the living room.

"Fine, I'll clean but only because you asked me to." The blonde finally says, like she's doing Santana a favor, and stands up, making the brunette's jaw drop. But she should expect this from Quinn, so she then snorts a laugh and rolls her eyes.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, neat freak."

…

The loud music coming from the radio is being heard in the otherwise quiet room, effectively waking Brittany up. She immediately reaches on the nightstand to lower the volume of the radio. Not turn it off. She never turns it off. She just lowers the volume so her companion, who slightly shifts from the loud noise on the bed next to her, won't wake up. And once she makes sure that they're sleeping, she focuses on the song as she relaxes against her pillow.

She recognizes that the song playing is 'Amazed' by Lonestar. She tries to not concentrate on the lyrics of the love song though. It's a nice song but she isn't going to lie, it's not that song she wants to listen to. She doesn't want to listen to any song, really. She just waits to hear that voice. _That _voice that always has her insides doing all kinds of awesome flips and leaps and turns. Like those that Sue taught her at high school. She lets a sad smile take over her face as memories of her teenage years come to mind and she watches the ceiling, while she's lying on her back, like it's a screen and her life is the movie. But before she can get carried away in her darkness, she hears _her_.

"_That was 'Amazed' by Lonestar that Simon dedicates to Kayla for their fourth wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary you guys!_" That's the voice that she's sure she's, unfortunately, still in love with. That's the raspy, like raw honey, voice that has her heartbeats increase. She briefly wonders what would happen to her heart if she heard that voice in real life and not through the radio. But she knows that's not going to happen so she tries to concentrate back to listen to her. She licks her lips in anticipation as she waits for it… "_And good morning to anybody that have just tuned in._"

She smiles. Santana always says that just after Brittany tunes in. She likes to believe that it's because Santana somehow knows when she wakes up, and she does her best to ignore the rational part of her brain that tells her that Santana knows that a lot of people wake up at 7a.m. and tune in and _that's _why she always says that. But Brittany still remembers how she used to find a text from Santana every day when she woke up, saying 'good morning' and it always put a smile on her face. And she just likes reliving that, no matter how pathetic it may sound to anyone. She just doesn't care.

"_You're listening to Morning Dedication, basically your opportunity to dedicate whatever song you want to your loved ones. Or hated ones. So, today I promised to answer to five of your questions that you can ask me live on air. But I'll answer this one because a lot of people ask me on Twitter if I sing and the answer is 'no'. I don't sing. At least not anymore._"

Brittany's smile drops and she swallows thickly when she hears how Santana's voice shifts from playful to sad. It wouldn't be noticeable to anybody else but Brittany knows that voice. She _knows _it. She always did. If burning passion had a sound, it would be Santana's voice. Especially when she sings. And Brittany knows that better than anyone else since she found herself on the receiving end of many songs Santana dedicated to her. Or at least she used to know… She wonders if it's her fault that Santana doesn't make the guitar let out erotic notes anymore, that she doesn't sing her heart out with that captivating and beautiful voice.

"_Are we ready for the first listener?_"

"_Hello?"_

"_Hi! What's your name?"_

"_Hi, Santana! I'm Amanda. Sometimes you tell us what International day it is and I was wondering if you could do that every day? And also tell us what day is today?"_

"_Well, ok. I think I can do that. Today is the International lost sock memorial day. If you do your laundry and after that you can pair _all _your socks then you're an admirable person and I'd like to know your secret._" Brittany chuckles and shakes her head.

"Or you're Quinn Fabray." She whispers to herself. She hasn't seen Quinn in five years but she's pretty sure her old friend is still the definition of neatness. She wonders if Santana and Quinn are still friends. Maybe they are. Or maybe Santana doesn't want anyone from her past around her. Yes, probably that.

It makes Brittany wonder if it's unfair that she listens to Santana's show every morning, when Santana probably doesn't want her to. Sometimes she feels like she's invading Santana's life by doing that, especially since she never tried to contact her in five years. But then she remembers that Santana didn't try to contact her either. And _she _was the one who left. _Okay, _maybe Brittany pushed her. But Santana still left.

She decides that it doesn't matter though. It's not like Santana knows that she's listening to her and it's not like she's going to see her ever again. Because she's pretty sure Santana doesn't want that. She's pretty sure that she doesn't want to either. Sometimes she blames herself for that and other times she blames Santana. She knows though, that by subjecting herself into this sweet torture, that is keeping up with Santana's life, she only hurts her own self.

* * *

><p>A.N.: This is the prologue of a story that I hope will be short but knowing me, it's probably not going to be. But that's only if you'd like me to continue with this...?<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

A.N.: I wasn't expecting such a positive reaction, thank you so much! :) So, here's the next chapter.

* * *

><p>"<em>Baby, what are you doing?" Brittany giggles as she watches Santana throw her bag on the sidewalk and skip her way in the road. It makes Santana smile because it always makes her feel like she's doing something right when Brittany's happy.<em>

"_You said that I'm serious and uptight all the time but I'm not, and so I'm proving it to you." She opens her arms as she stands in the middle of the road, grinning at Brittany like the fool she is and Brittany grins back._

"_It means almost nothing when you do it i__n the middle of the most neglected road of Lima."_

"_It's still something." Santana defends. No car ever passes by this road and besides, it's so late, almost morning, that she's not that afraid that a car will come her way. "Will you come and kiss me already?" Santana wonders and smiles when Brittany makes her way to her. The blonde stops in front of her and puts her hands on her hips and looks around before looking at her girlfriend. "Kiss." Santana reminds the blonde, causing her to smile and slide her hands around the brunette's slim waist and bring their bodies closer._

"_This is fun. We should have sex here." Brittany giggles as she leans down to connect her lips with Santana's._

"_I'm not _that _carefree, baby." She mumbles against pink lips and claiming them again as her hands go on Brittany's back and caress softly. Brittany hums in response as Santana deepens the kiss but the blonde pulls back after a while._

"_I have to tell you something." Brittany says as the biggest smile takes over her face, making Santana's heart skip a beat at how beautiful her girlfriend looks right now._

"_Ok…" She says slowly and Brittany giggles before pecking Santana's lips because she seems kind of scared of what she has to say._

"_I got in!" She exclaims then, making Santana's eyes widen._

"_Yes! I knew you would!" Santana brings her girlfriend in for a very tight hug. "I'm so proud of you, baby." She whispers against blonde hair and shivers at the long breath Brittany leaves against her neck._

"_Thanks. I wouldn't have done it without you and I still don't want to go to New York without you." Brittany pulls back from Santana's embrace to peck her lips._

"_We're going to New York together, baby." Santana says reassuringly but Brittany is still a little hesitant._

"_Santana…" Brittany trails off and the brunette knows what's coming. "I don't want you to go to New York just because I'm going. It'll be like you're doing it for me and not for you and I don't want that." She bites her bottom lip as the brunette sighs and looks away from those piercing blue eyes._

"_Look, maybe I'm not sure what I want to do yet but I'll find my way. New York is full of opportunities and I just want to be with you. I wanted to go to New York anyway. I promise." Santana whispers, thinking about all those times that Brittany tried to guide her so she would find out what she would like to do. But Santana just doesn't know yet. She only knows that she loves to sing. "And I'm so, so happy for you, Britt. You're going to Juilliard, you're the best of the best _and _you're mine! Why do you want that?" She wonders seriously but it only makes Brittany giggle. But she turns serious too when she sees that Santana actually means that._

"_Because I love you, that's why." Brittany answers softly and Santana sighs as she leans up and connects their lips._

"_I love you too." She mumbles when she pulls back from the kiss. "Hey, we should take a picture."_

"_To remember how _not _serious you are?" Brittany smiles teasingly, making her girlfriend roll her eyes._

"_I'm not." She shrugs and pulls back from Brittany's hold with one last peck. "Don't move." She says pointedly and waits for Brittany's amused 'ok' before turning to go back to the sidewalk and to her bag. She shuffles in it for a few seconds to find her phone. But then she hears a car coming and before she can realize what's going on she hears the breaks and the loud high-pitched noise the tires make against the concrete._

…

Santana's been in bed for the past couple of hours but she can't sleep. She keeps tossing and turning, trying to find a position that makes her comfortable. But she can't a find a position that won't allow memories to flood her mind. Those memories make her sweat and they cause her breathing to pick up.

So she gets up from bed and goes in the bathroom to wash her face. She doesn't know what to do. It happens to her very often, to have these nightmares and flashbacks. It's torture drowning in her own thoughts. She desperately needs a distraction.

She goes back in her bedroom to find her laptop and then goes in the living room and sits on the couch. She turns on the TV and puts it on mute so she will have some kind of company. She always does that, it makes her feel like she isn't alone. Then she opens her laptop and the browser to search what international day is tomorrow so she can talk about it on her show. International Forgiveness Day.

_Forgiveness…_

She chuckles to herself but she definitely doesn't find anything funny. It's just so pathetic how she thinks that she can actually stop thinking about Brittany. That she will just busy herself with her laptop and Brittany will just get out of her mind. She shakes her head as she reads it again and again. _Forgiveness. _Of course her mind would immediately go to her.

She wishes she could define her thoughts, then she wouldn't think of her. She wouldn't think of how Brittany got hurt because of her own naivety. She wouldn't remember how they ended up like that. But she misses Brittany so much. She misses her blue eyes and her beautiful smile. How sweet and kind she is. How perfect she is. How she loved Santana with her everything and how Santana tried to give at least half of that back.

And that makes it a thousand times worse when she thinks that this perfect person hates her. That person doesn't hate anyone, she only loves. Brittany used to love her. But now she only _hates_ her. Santana is sure about that. It makes her feel like the worst person on Earth that she managed to get hate out of _Brittany. _But then she thinks that she's being ridiculous. Because when you hate someone, you _feel _something. And Santana is sure that Brittany doesn't feel anything about her anymore.

Sometimes she regrets leaving. But other times the reason she left is so clear in her mind, she actually thinks that she did the right thing. She could go through reasons and decisions, actions and words they did and said, both of them, and justify all of them just to convince herself or Brittany that she really did the right thing by leaving.

She could spend hours trying to figure out who's to blame. But she knows that in the end, it doesn't even matter.

But maybe that's what she has to do to relieve herself from her nightmares. She decides to talk about the international forgiveness day tomorrow morning on her show. She knows that the only person who can fully understand her words is Brittany. But everything's fine because it's not like Brittany listens to her show. She's certain that Brittany wants to stay away from her. And Santana can't blame her. She's actually glad about that because she doesn't want to face her. She knows that sounds bad, but what can she really say after not talking to her for five years? Nothing. Time doesn't heal all the wounds.

But she _is_ sorry for hurting her. She's still not sure if she's sorry for leaving though…

…

Santana and Puck are in the control room, a few minutes before the show starts. Puck is playing on his laptop while Santana is leaning on the wall next to the door that leads to the studio.

She spent her whole night last night, not sleeping and trying to find the courage to talk about this. She thinks it's going to be 'ok' but her fast heartbeats and clammy palms indicate otherwise.

"Hey!" Puck calls loudly, apparently he's been trying to get Santana's attention for a while.

"Oh, wow!" Santana blinks a couple of times and turns to look at her friend. "I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open."

"Dude, can you focus?" He frowns and Santana nods her head as she rubs her eyes with her hands. Good thing about being a radio show host is that she doesn't have to dress up and wear makeup every morning. "So, um…" Puck trails off hesitantly and looks away from Santana. She's almost sure that he's blushing. "So, um-"

"You said that already." She smirks at him, although she doesn't know why he's so flustered, and he glares at her before clearing his throat.

"So, how's your friend?" He asks then nervously.

"Quinn?" She wonders and he nods. Puck and Quinn saw each other and talked to each other a few times over the past couple of years and it's obvious that they like each other but nothing ever happened. "She's fine." She shrugs.

"So, can you like…give me her number or…?" He rubs the back of his neck nervously and looks down at his laptop again and Santana smirks because she enjoys seeing him like that.

"I don't think Quinn will fall for your pathetic pick-up lines, Puck. She's too smart for that."

"Oh, I see what's going on here. You want me all to yourself, don't you?" Puck replies, making Santana burst out laughing.

"That was a good one." She says between her laughs, making Puck frown at her.

"And I thought that you wanted to be a lesbian."

"What?" She snaps as her smiles immediately disappear. "I didn't choose to be a lesbian, Puckerman! I was born this way!"

"Ok, Lady Gaga." He rolls his eyes.

"You're an asshole." She mumbles. She doesn't know Puck for very long but they became close friends really fast after she started working with him at this radio station. She's comfortable enough around him to insult him like that and know that it won't bother him and he does the same.

"That makes sense though, because I can't see why you'd _choose _to date a woman. I sure don't understand them." He shrugs and it's Santana's turn to roll her eyes.

"Yeah, that'll make Quinn fall for you."

"Can you let _her _decide?" He asks pointedly and Santana shrugs.

"Sure I can."

"Great!" Puck smiles and Santana frowns at his overenthusiastic expression, causing him to get serious again. "Now go. You'll be on air in two minutes." He gestures towards the studio. Santana takes a big breath, wishing that with oxygen, courage will make its way inside of her too, before going to take her seat.

…

It's another morning when Brittany finds herself in her bed, listening to her favorite voice and hoping that her companion won't wake up. She hates it when he interrupts her 'Santana time' to tell her that she shouldn't even have 'Santana time'. Brittany doesn't get mad easily, but when he does that, it usually, if not always, leads to a fight.

"_Ok, so back by popular demand…Mr. Noah Puckerman!"_ Brittany knows that this guy is the sound technician and she knows that he's Santana's friend. She has to admit that they're really funny together whenever Puck, as Santana calls him, is on air with her.

"_Hello, everybody! So, I have specific instructions for today from a lot of people to ask this. Santana, truth or dare?"_

"_Oh, no!" _Santana groans and it only makes Brittany smile and imagine her 'not-amused' face. "_You're gonna make me sing, aren't you?"_

"_Well, yes. That's what everybody wants these last few days." _Since Santana said on air that she doesn't sing, people keep asking her to sing because they don't believe her. They say that if she couldn't actually sing, she would sing just to prove it. But Santana _can _sing. She can sing so beautifully. But Brittany knows that she won't sing. She isn't sure why, but she thinks it's because of her…She knows how Santana thinks. And what she thinks is that if Brittany can't dance, then Santana can't sing. Brittany doesn't agree with that logic though.

"_Well, then I'll go with the truth." _That's what Brittany expected.

"_Alright, what are you wearing right now?"_

"_You can actually see me, Puckerman!" _Brittany can imagine Santana's glare and she covers her mouth with her hand so she won't chuckle and wake _him_ up. That's one of the reasons why Brittany loves listening to Santana's show every morning. Because she loves the normality that comes with Santana's voice. Like everything is still like it used to be.

"_Yes, but the listeners can't see you and I think they would want to know what you're wearing right now."_

"_Well, I'm wearing jeans." _Santana's voice is playfully bitter.

"_What else?"_

"_And a sweater." _She mumbles, obviously embarrassed about it. It only makes Brittany miss seeing Santana's adorable face when she gets embarrassed. Although she shouldn't be. Brittany's pretty sure that even if Santana wore nothing, she would still be beautiful. _No wait, _that doesn't sound right. What she means is that Santana's always pretty, no matter what she's wearing. Her beauty is on her face and in those brown warm eyes.

"_That's not the embarrassing part, Santana. What else?"_

"_Nothing else."_

"_I'll take a picture of you and post it on Twitter." _Puck says warningly and Brittany imagines Santana rolling her eyes.

"_Fine, fine! I'm wearing glasses. Happy?"_

"_Sunglasses?"_

"_No, reading glasses." _Brittany could never understand why Santana gets embarrassed about that because she looks _so _cute with her glasses on. At least that's how Brittany remembers her. And that's how Brittany _wants _to remember her.

"_There you have it, guys."_

"Jeez, turn it off already." _He _groans beside her and Brittany takes a big breath and lets it out slowly, trying to not let herself get mad. It's not worth it.

After a few seconds when the commercials play, Brittany reaches on her nightstand and turns the radio off.

"You really need to stop doing that, Britt."

"I just want to make-"

"Sure that she's fine. I know." He interrupts her and she rolls her eyes because it's obvious that he doesn't believe her. But that's what she's doing. She just makes sure that Santana is fine because that's what she wants for her. Because if Brittany is fine, then she wants Santana to be fine too. And as long as she can, she will be listening to her show to make sure of that. That's the closest thing she has to her. "Does she even care if _you _are fine? No, she obviously doesn't care about you _at all_. She left you, Britt."

"You don't even know anything so stop talking!" Brittany snaps and covers her eyes with her hands. It's definitely more complicated than that.

"I know that she's fine, that she has her friends and her girlfriends. I know that _she_ lives her life and _you_ just can't let it go!"

"Can't you just go back to sleep?" She asks annoyed as she lets her arms fall by her sides again and glares at the ceiling. What he says is not entirely true but Brittany knows that he's trying to make a point. Brittany lives her life just fine too, it just bothers him that she still cares about Santana. He thinks that it's unfair. A lot of people think like that. But she doesn't care what anyone thinks because no one knows what really happened. What she cares about is Santana. She doesn't know why but she thinks that she's not going to stop caring any time soon. Maybe she won't ever stop caring.

"No, we have to get to work." He says pointedly.

"Well, ok. Go get ready." She frowns, making him let out a long breath.

"Britt, I don't want to fight with you." His voice softens, making Brittany sigh.

"I don't want to either."

"Ok." He kisses her cheek and Brittany watches him as he slowly gets out of bed and leaves the room. She immediately reaches on her nightstand and turns the radio back on.

"_I think it's time to tell you what day is today. Today is the international forgiveness day. It's an opportunity to forgive but also to ask for forgiveness." _Brittany hears the long breath that Santana lets out. She knows when Santana is nervous. "_And so today I'm being a good example and I'm asking for forgiveness from the last person that I wanted to hurt and from the person that I hurt the most. I was stupid, naive and reckless. M_y_ thoughtless actions crashed somebody else's dreams. Somebody else's life."_

Brittany bites her bottom lip, her nostrils flared in her effort to not let her eyes fill with tears. She is taken completely aback. She wasn't expecting this because Santana never said anything about them. She's _sure _that Santana's talking about them.

"_And I just want you to know that I'm sorry." _Brittany shakes her head. She hates how Santana's voice sounds so mournful and guilty.

"No, Santana…" She whispers to herself. She hasn't said that name out loud in so many years, it makes her own voice sound like it's somebody else's. It hurts how foreign all of this feels. Santana never talked about that and if Brittany wasn't feeling suffocated by all these emotions that she thought she buried, but deep down knows that she never did, she would be surprised. But she isn't because she's too overwhelmed by the fact that Santana cares enough to talk about it. She genuinely thought that Santana didn't want to remember her, not apologize to her on her radio show.

She sighs sadly as she supports her weight on her elbows and looks around the room. Her eyes settle on the empty sheets beside her as she thinks how her life has become like that. She wonders what her life would be like if Santana would still be around. She shrugs though, because it doesn't matter. Her life is good. It's the next best thing really, the best thing being Santana.

…

Santana lets out a sigh as the song starts to play and hangs her headphones around her neck before rubbing her face with her hands. She really doesn't know how to feel. She thinks she took it too far with her words. Even the thought of Brittany hearing her and blaming her all over again is dreadful. That's probably her biggest fear. And although she's asking forgiveness from her while knowing that she didn't even listen to it, it still makes her feel a little lighter. Just a little though.

She sighs and looks up to see Puck looking at her through the glass that separates the studio and the control room. She bites her bottom lip and looks down as her hand covers her eyes because she doesn't want to see Puck's worried face. But when she hears the door opening after a few seconds, she sighs and drops her hand to look up at her friend.

"Dude, you ok?" He asks and Santana nods but Puck knows her too well by now to fall for that. "What was that about? Why did you say that?" He has no idea about Brittany but she's not going to tell him anything. She definitely doesn't need his judgmental looks or words right now.

"It's nothing."

"Are you sure?" Puck asks again. "You seem kinda upset."

"No, no. I'm fine." She forces a smile but it only makes Puck frown.

"Ok, now you seem upset _and _creepy."

"Shut up, Puckerman." She rolls her eyes. "The song ends in a few seconds, let's just get back to work."

"Ok." He shrugs and turns to leave. Santana puts back her headphones and waits for Puck's signal that she's on air again before starts talking.

"We're back to Morning Dedication, basically your opportunity to dedicate whatever song you want to your loved ones. Or hated ones." Puck signs that there's a phone call on air but he's looking at Santana weirdly. "And I think we have a listener with us…" She trails off as she frowns at Puck.

"_Santana?_"

Her jaw drops open and her eyes widen in shock. Because she knows that voice. Because that soft and sweet voice belongs to _Brittany. _She wouldn't be so sure if it wasn't for the fact that she's _so _familiar with the way her name rolls off of the blonde's tongue. Her eyes are wide as she looks at Puck in desperation. She opens her mouth but nothing comes out, it's like her throat closed and refuses to open up and make a sound. Any kind of sound. But nothing.

"_Hello?_"

"Y-yes." She finally lets out and then clears her throat because her voice is still failing her. "Hi, what's your name?" She asks, holding onto that last little bit of hope that this isn't Brittany. That her mind is just playing with her only because she talked about the blonde only a few minutes ago. There are a few seconds of silence, in which Santana hopes that the Earth will open in half and devour her, before she hears that voice again.

"_I'm Regina Phalange." _Santana covers her mouth with her hand, not sure of the sound that may come out. It can be a laugh or a cry because this is definitely Brittany. This is Brittany and her humor talking.

"Ok…" She says slowly. She's pretty sure that Brittany's daunting her on her own show and she doesn't know how to feel about this.

"_I don't have a fancy question but I'm asking this because you sounded pretty upset earlier. Are you ok?"_ She takes a big breath and lets it out shakily. She isn't really sure of what Brittany's asking her. If she means her question or if she's mocking her. She doesn't even know why she calls on her show. She's extremely confused because now she's certain that Brittany listened to what she said earlier. That can't be good. But she answers the question anyway.

"I'm fine." She basically lies.

"_Good, because you should be._" Brittany says and then ends the call, leaving Santana even more confused. _What the hell just happened?_

Santana stays still, staring at nothing in particular, as she tries to wrap her mind around the fact that Brittany called on her show just to ask her how she is. She tries to wrap her mind around the fact that she heard Brittany's sweet voice again after five years.

...

_Later that night;_

Santana is in Quinn's apartment, sitting on the couch and holding her phone, going through the messages that people send her on Facebook and Twitter. It's funny, but not really, how everybody thought that she was talking about Dani today. She's glad about it, because she doesn't want people finding out about Brittany. It's overwhelming though, how people love her and support her even though she basically admitted that she did something bad. She doesn't understand it.

"Hey." Quinn calls when she comes in the living room and Santana grunts a response, too busy reading love, and some hate, to respond with actual words. But when she feels Quinn in front of her, she looks up from the screen of her phone to see her friend picking up her mug of coffee that's on the coffee table, to place a coaster underneath it.

"Why am I friends with you again?" Santana wonders, making Quinn turn to look at her with a meaningful glare. But Santana just shrugs back. The reason is because Quinn let her live in her house when she left Lima and came to New York five years ago. That's why they became close friends, because in high school they weren't that close.

But Santana doesn't really want to remember why she left Lima. She doesn't want to remember _anything,_ so she returns her attention on her phone.

"So…" Quinn trails off as she sits next to her and Santana sighs. She knows what Quinn wants to talk about.

"I should go home." She goes to stand up, causing her friend to grab her arm and stop her.

"San, wait."

"Look, I'm fine. Ok? I'm just tired. Thanks for the uh…" She trails off and looks around before turning to her again. "Well, for nothing. I'll see you tomorrow." She tries to get up again but Quinn once again stops her.

"Santana." She says warningly, her voice making it clear that there's no room for discussion. That she has to sit back and talk to her. And so she reluctantly relaxes on the couch again as Quinn does the same. The blonde is obviously not sure if she should talk about the blue-eyed, blonde-haired elephant in the room or not. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." Santana shrugs and Quinn rolls her eyes at her friend's stubbornness.

"San, what the hell happened today?" Santana sighs. She hasn't talked about Brittany to Quinn too much. She hasn't talked about her generally. But now there's no going back, her friend obviously listened to her show this morning. And Quinn knows Brittany's voice. So she just decides to be honest.

"I didn't know that she'd listen to the show, Q. I just can't even sleep anymore, I had to do something to get her out of my mind. And so I thought that if I talked about it, it'd help." Quinn stays silent for a few seconds as she studies her friends upset face and Santana watches as her facial features soften.

"San." Quinn's voice softens as do her eyes and Santana can see her friend's hesitancy. "They're called 'accidents' for a reason. _You_ didn't hurt Brittany, San." She finally says softly.

"I didn't hurt her? Then why did she call, Quinn? She heard what I said and she called just to mock me! And she has every right!" Santana says exasperated. It's like no one can understand how she feels. Not her best friend and not her mother. Ironically, the only person who always understood her, is the only person that she was sure until today that she didn't want to talk to her. But now she doesn't know what to think.

"Santana, she just asked how you are." Quinn says calmly but Santana obviously isn't calm at all.

"Why?" She asks exasperated.

"I think you should ask _her. _I'm sure Puck has her number."

"You're crazy! I'm not calling her, Q. She fucking hates me, it's so obvious!" Santana shouts her frustration and guilt as she stands up to leave the apartment. It's painfully obvious how much she blames herself for that.

…

It's another sleepless night for Santana. This time though, she doesn't torture herself by being in bed and feeling hopeless. She tortures herself by being in her kitchen and feeling hopeless. She decided to cook whatever Maribel ever taught her, having the naïve thought that it will keep her mind away from Brittany.

But it's not working. It's not working and she doesn't even know what to do. Call Brittany? And say what? But then if she doesn't call, it will be like telling Brittany that she doesn't care about her. She didn't even ask back if she's 'ok'. That is if Brittany really meant her question and didn't call just to make Santana feel even worse about herself.

Why would Brittany do that though? If she wanted to make Santana feel like the worst person in this world, she would do it in those five years. Not now when Santana apologized to her. She briefly wonders if Brittany was listening to her show all along. She doubts it though. But she knows now that doing her show every morning won't be the same again, because now she will have the constant worry that Brittany will listen to it. It will be like talking to her and she doesn't know how to handle that thought.

She frowns when she hears her phone buzzing on the counter. She wipes her hands on a towel and takes her phone to see that she has a text from Quinn. She sighs because she knows that her friend would be sleeping now if she wasn't worried about her.

**From Quinn: Just call her.**

She licks her now dry lips and takes a big breath before letting it out shakily. She knows that Quinn says 'just call her' but what she _really _means is 'pull your head out of your ass'. Usually she's glad, but right now she hates how well Quinn knows her.

She ignores her friend's message though, as she goes to find Puck's message that he sent her earlier. That message with Brittany's number in it...


	3. Chapter 3

A Morning Dedication

Chapter 3:

_Brittany isn't sure what Santana is right now. Sad or angry? She goes with sadly angry. She can see it in her eyes. She hates that look. But she's angry too, so she does nothing to make that look go away. Because the fact that she's hurt, that her chance at doing something great was taken away from her, makes her blind. And at the moment, she can't see that she's losing Santana too._

"_Why are you looking at me like that?" Santana asks as she turns where she's sitting on Brittany's bed to face her girlfriend._

"_I'm pretty sure I can do whatever I want in my own room." She crosses her arms in front of her chest and stares hard at the ceiling, doing her best to avoid those brown eyes that do things to her that she wouldn't like at the moment. "And I want you to leave. Now. I'm fucking serious, I'm tired arguing with you. Just leave." She says angrily and watches as Santana slowly licks her lips, seemingly thinking about it._

"_Fine, I'll leave." She stands up and goes to open the door, making Brittany immediately regret what she said. But she doesn't take it back. "But I'll be back in an hour with the Lion King and the Little Mermaid and you better be wearing a smile because those are your favorite movies!" She snaps as she closes the door loudly behind her to emphasize that she's mad._

"_Don't bother!" Brittany shouts back and she's sure that Santana heard her, if the way she loudly, and angrily, closes the front door too is any indication._

One hour later;

_Santana takes a deep breath and hesitantly enters the Pierce household, hoping two things. First, that her girlfriend has calmed down by now, because she isn't in the mood for another fight, and second, that Brittany's father hasn't come home yet. The last thing she needs is seeing that man. Not that she's not allowed in here or that he doesn't know that she's Brittany girlfriend. It's just that he doesn't like the fact and he does nothing to hide it._

_Her face falls when she sees him in the living room, sitting on the couch and reading a newspaper. When he sees her too, he immediately throws the newspaper on the coffee table before standing up and coming to grab Santana by the arm and practically drag her out of the house._

"_What are you doing here?" He asks angrily but quietly, because apparently he doesn't want his wife or daughters to hear him, as he closes the front door behind him._

"_Uh…" Santana frowns confused and looks away from his piercing blue eyes, that aren't friendly at all, because she thinks that the answer is pretty obvious. "I'm here to see my _girlfriend._" She says pointedly, just because she knows that he doesn't like the fact. And also, because he's still holding her arm like it's his to hold._

"_Why? Didn't she make it clear that she doesn't want to see you? Do you think that she's just saying that? After what happened to her because of _you_? You come here every day for months, you should be smart enough to understand by now that when she says that she doesn't want to see you, then _she doesn't want to see you_."_

"_B-but…" Santana stutters. It's true, Brittany did say that. But Santana didn't think that she meant it, she thought that she says all those things because she's hurting. But now Brittany's father is right. It _is _her fault after all that Brittany can't go to Juilliard, so why would she want her around?_

"_I think it's time for you to finally do the right thing, Santana. It's time for you to go away and leave her alone."_

…

Brittany quietly unlocks the front door and enters the studio apartment with as much silence as possible. She doesn't want to wake Artie up, not because he isn't supposed to know that she comes home late, although it's not that late, but because sometimes he acts like a jealous husband and she doesn't need his nagging and whining right now.

But she knows that he just worries about her. They usually go out together, being best friends and all, but sometimes Brittany just wants to spend the night somewhere else. It happened a lot of times, Artie calling her and her not answering until morning and having him being worried, although he shouldn't be. It's not like he doesn't have his girlfriend. So anyway, now she just comes home before the morning, it's a good excuse to get rid of people anyway. She doesn't want to have a serious relationship and Artie is kind of her excuse.

She quietly closes the door and places her keys and phone on that small table by the front door, already feeling warmer in the small studio. She takes off her coat and places it on the back of the couch as she throws a glance at Artie, who's in bed at the other side of the studio, to make sure that he's still sleeping.

She starts to take off her clothes, as she walks further in the studio, when she gets the feeling that she will sneeze. So she immediately brings her hand up to hold her nose, ending up making an even louder and weirder noise. She rolls her eyes at herself because she's been having that feeling for two hours now but _of course _it happens to her when she has to be silent.

"Britt." She winces and turns to see Artie with the little light that comes from the street. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, go back to sleep." She whispers and when he closes his eyes again, it only confirms her suspicions that he's sleep-talking, that he isn't fully conscious.

She isn't 'ok' though because she can feel herself getting sick, if the headache she's been having since this afternoon is any indication. That's the reason why she didn't stay out that late. Or that's what she says to herself. Deep down though, she knows that the reason is Santana.

She turns to go to the bathroom to wash her hands, thinking that it was 'fine' while she was out but now it all comes back to her. And she knows that when she will wake up in a few hours by _that_ beautiful voice, it's going to be even worse.

She isn't sure if she did the right thing by calling on Santana's show. She obviously caught Santana by surprise, the brunette was too shocked to reveal how she actually feels about Brittany. But she just wanted to tell her that she's fine, so Santana can stop feeling guilty. Santana shouldn't apologize about the accident. Brittany doesn't blame her.

She doesn't know if it's a naïve thought or a realistic one to expect Santana to contact her. She has her number and it's been the whole day, Brittany thinks that she would do it by now if she wanted to. So Santana just doesn't want to talk to her.

She shrugs, thinking that nothing changes really because that's why Santana left in the first place, as she lefts the bathroom to find shorts and a tank top to throw on and quietly crawl up on her side of the bed to lie next to her friend. But before she has time to even relax on her pillow, she hears her phone buzzing on the table by the front door.

"Shit." She whispers as she quickly stands up again to go get her phone, mentally scolding herself for not putting it on silent. It wouldn't be the first time this happens.

It's an unknown number calling her. She nervously licks her lips as her phone starts shaking, because her hands start shaking. She's nervous because she's almost sure that it's Santana. She takes a big breath to calm herself before she answers the call.

"Hello?" She whispers as she looks behind her to see if Artie woke up from the noise, and when she sees that he didn't, she makes her way to the couch and sits down.

"_Br-Brittany?" _ _Yup_, it's Santana and she sounds more nervous than her. She mentally scolds herself for forgetting how Santana thinks. That she always has to process everything and think about it _a lot_ before doing something. And that's why she's calling this late.

"Yes." She swallows thickly and runs a hand through her hair. She looks around and sees her bunny socks on the floor by the coffee table. She really needs to clean up in here. Anyway, she takes advantage of Santana's long silence to reach over and take them.

"_Hi._" She freezes and closes her eyes tightly. Santana's voice shouldn't have such a strong effect on her. She hears it every morning for two years. But it's still shocking to her that Santana is talking to _her _right now. Yes, she knows that she talked to her this morning too. But now Santana is talking to _just her._ No other listeners.

"Hi." She says quietly back and continues her movements, bringing her socks on the couch and puts them on her now cold feet. She's nervous and cold and weird stuff is happening inside of her. And the silence between them is deafening, making her feel even more uncomfortable.

"_I'm sorry, did I wake you?_" Santana asks then, like she just realizes how late it is.

"No, I wasn't sleeping." Brittany says quietly and sighs as she grabs a sweater from the couch next to her and quickly puts it on, not wanting to miss anything Santana says.

"_Why aren't you sleeping? It's late._" Santana almost scolds, making a small smile take over Brittany's face at how familiar this feels. Santana always used to tell her to sleep early on school nights because Brittany used to fall asleep in class from being too tired. "_I'm sorry._" She says then, obviously realizing that she can't do that anymore.

"It's ok." Brittany shrugs and then sneezes again. "Shit!" She whispers to herself as she reaches on the coffee table to take a tissue.

"_Are you sick?_" Santana asks.

"I'm sorry, I think I'm coming down with a cold." She mumbles as she stands up to open the balcony door and get out. If she doesn't want Artie to wake up when she comes home late, then she _definitely _doesn't want him waking up and hearing her conversation with Santana.

"_You have to drink tea with lemon and honey and you have to dress warm-_"

"Santana, I know." The fact that Brittany knows what to do, doesn't mean that she will do it. It only means that she spent enough time around Maribel to know what she's supposed to do to not get sick.

"_Right, I'm sorry…_" Santana apologizes again but this time Brittany doesn't say anything. "_So, uh…_" She hears the long breath that the brunette lets out and then she hears her muttering stuff in Spanish, which makes her smile amused.

"You haven't thought this through, have you?" She asks before she can even think her question, causing herself to freeze in place with wide eyes. Partly because she's shocked that she can so easily talk to Santana after five years like nothing bad ever happened between them and partly because it's so cold outside that she's actually freezing.

"_No, I haven't._" Santana admits chuckling. Brittany doesn't even know how to feel about it being so easy talking to each other. She thinks she likes it, it makes her feel warm inside, although she's cold on the outside. "_How are you?_"

"I'm good." Brittany answers softly and then there's another long silence between them. But this time it's not an uncomfortable one.

"_So, are you in New York?_" Santana asks but the answer is pretty obvious. If Brittany wasn't in New York she wouldn't listen to Santana's show.

"Yes."

"_So, you're not in Lima?_" She asks then and Brittany sucks her lips inside her mouth as she frowns.

"You know that I've tried and I just can't be in two places at the same time." She mumbles and then shivers. She would like to believe that it's because it's cold outside but she knows that it's because of Santana's chuckle.

"_Right…_"

"So, still not great with concepts, huh?" Brittany teases, earning another chuckle from the brunette. But that beautiful sound ends sooner than Brittany would like. And so they stay in another silence. A silence that Brittany enjoys.

It's like she gets reacquaint herself with Santana. She doesn't know if she _wants _to reacquaint herself with her though. All she knows is that it feels good, it feels right. And for now, she will just enjoy that. Even though it's through the phone and even though she can't look in her eyes. Even though they're not even talking right now.

She's completely focused on the way Santana breaths, even though it's such a low sound, she almost can't hear it. But she does, and it makes feel like everything is here, that this time when she focuses on something, there's not something or someone else in the back of her mind to distract her. She's completely focused because everything she needs is right here.

"_Brittany, I'm really confused._" Santana finally says, breaking Brittany out of her daze.

"About what?" She asks, although she knows the answer. She just wants more time to find out what to say. You would think that she would've done that by now, she's been thinking about it almost all day after all. But she's still not prepared.

"_Why did you call?_" Santana asks what she probably wanted to know since this morning. Brittany stays silent for a few more seconds as she leans her elbows on the railings and watches down the few people that pass by the street, causing Santana to speak up again. "_I thought that you wanted to…I thought you didn't want-_" She sighs frustrated, making Brittany frown because she doesn't know what Santana's trying to say. "_I thought that you're mad at me?_" She more asks than says.

"I'm not mad at you. You don't need to apologize about the accident."

"_I'm not talking just about the accident._" Brittany sighs and rubs her forehead with her free hand as she chews on her bottom lip nervously.

"Please, let's not go there." She really doesn't want to remember why Santana left. That Brittany practically made her leave. She doesn't want to talk about it. It's pointless. "I think we should both go back to our lives with only one difference. You stop blaming yourself about the accident. I really didn't call you to upset you or remind you of anything. I just want you to stop blaming yourself, it's unfair and you can't keep living like that. That's all I wanted to tell you." She's trying to make her voice come out strong but she's pretty sure she's failing.

"_I can't do that._" Brittany isn't sure what Santana's really talking about. She can't go back to how her life was yesterday or she can't stop blaming herself?

"Santana…"

"_Did you just happen to listen to the show today?_" She changes the subject, making Brittany sigh because it's obvious that she doesn't want to listen to what Brittany's saying. And it also makes her feel a little uncomfortable because she doesn't really want to admit that she's been listening all along. "_Was that the first time or what? When did you start listening? And do you listen to it every day?_"

"No, just some times and it's been a while." Brittany mumbles and tenses and stops breathing altogether, waiting for Santana's reaction.

"_You know what? I think I can still tell when you're lying to me, Britt._" Santana's voice isn't angry. She's sad though. No, not sad. More like nostalgic in a way that shows that she's hurt. And it makes it even harder that she just called her 'Britt'. It hurts.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"_I don't know either. It just makes me feel…I don't know. Listening to my show is like knowing everything about me. I don't hide anymore, I'm being myself now._" Brittany closes her eyes and takes a big breath, remembering the first time that Santana said on her show that she's a lesbian. She was so proud of her that day, because Santana went from that scared little girl who was afraid of her own self, to this great woman who is openly embracing who she is. And it's true, Brittany knows all about Santana's life. She knows who she is now, but the truth is that Santana hasn't changed. She's just grown up. "_But I know nothing about you. I haven't talked to you in five years, I don't know you._ _But thanks for calling on my show just to reassure me that you're fine._"

"Santana…" She sighs. She doesn't know what to say because what Santana says it's true and it's obvious that it bothers her.

"_Just tell me something. How do you expect me to wake up tomorrow and go make a show when I'll know that you'll be listening too?_"

"I won't be listening."

"_Since when do you lie, Brittany?_" Santana finally snaps. Brittany knew she would do it at some point. She's Santana after all. And she's right.

"Santana, please. Let's not do this, ok? It's pointless. Let's not fight, let's just get back to our lives and you just get over the accident already. Because I did."

"_I don't even know why I bothered calling you, you know. You've been listening to my show for god knows how long and it confuses me. I can't understand why you'd want to do that. But it's not like I have the right to demand answers from you .So I'm gonna hang up now._" Santana mumbles, almost angrily, before she hangs up the phone. Brittany thinks that if someone slapped her in the face, it would hurt a lot less.

Her brain can't actually process how she went from remembering what it feels like talking to Santana, to teasing her and enjoying it, to having a fight with her.

"You're stupid." She tells herself and chuckles humorlessly as she rolls her eyes. "You really are stupid."

…

_A week later;_

When the commercials play, Santana takes off her headphones and throws them on the desk before standing up. It's the end of another show in which she tries to limit her speeches to the minimum because she knows that the more she talks, the more the chances she will say something that she will regret later. So, she just sticks to playing the songs people want.

She has this crazy and irrational obsession that Brittany, not only listens to her show, but watches every single one of her movements. She thinks she's going insane. So, she tries not to think about it. Or her.

She opens the door of the studio to frown at her two friends who are in the control room and who have been watching her all through this week. Puck and Quinn share a glance before looking at Santana again, who's obviously angry.

"So, what? You two are married now?" She asks and puts her hands on her hips as she waits for an answer.

"No, we're just having sex." Puck says, making both women in the room snort. Because they both know that sex won't be happening anytime soon.

"Alright, Noah." Quinn pats his shoulder, making Santana arch an eyebrow at Puck.

"You seriously have no game, _Noah_." She teases him. It confirms her suspicions though, that Puck is serious about Quinn, otherwise he wouldn't have her calling him Noah.

"And you do?" He retorts, making the brunette smirk.

"Of course I do. I don't even need to say anything. Chicks fall on my lap just like that. But then when they hear my voice?" She shakes her head disbelievingly, while ignoring both of her friends who are rolling their eyes. "Bitches go crazy."

"I seriously want to know where all that confidence comes from." Puck mumbles and Santana just shrugs arrogantly. "Don't pretend to be a player, dude. You're angry at a certain chick for a week now. What's her name again?" He looks around his desk, trying to find something.

"You're an idiot." Quinn hits him on the back of his head, because he's obviously talking about Brittany.

Santana clicks her tongue, because she's annoyed, and turns to leave the room and her friends. But she only takes two steps in the hallway when she feels someone grabbing her arm and turning her around.

"San." Quinn looks at her pleadingly but Santana doesn't really know what she wants.

"I'm working now, Q. This is my work place." She says and gestures around. "I don't need you following me around."

"I work here too, you know."

"No." Santana shakes her head as she shrugs her arm out of her friend's hold. "You don't work _here_. You work at the legal department, three floors above." She says pointedly and turns to leave her friend.

But again, she only has time to take two steps before she feels Quinn grabbing her arm and guiding her in the restroom, causing the brunette to roll her eyes.

"What do you want?" Santana snaps once her friend lets her arm free and goes to check if there's anyone else in there.

"You're angry." Quinn states when she comes to stand in front of her again.

"Yes, I am. Because you have the need to check up on me every minute of every hour of every day." She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms in front of her chest as she completely avoids her friend's hazel eyes. Because she knows that once she looks into them, Quinn will get everything out of her.

"San, I'm worried about you." Quinn's voice is soft, which does nothing to calm Santana down.

"I don't need you to be, I'm fine." She insists, causing her friend to take a big breath and slowly let it out.

"Tell me, Santana."

"Tell you what? Don't make me angrier than I am already, Q. Let me go back to my job." Santana says warningly and throws a glance at the door but doesn't make a move.

"Why does it bother you so much that she's been listening to your show from the start?" Quinn asks as she steps even closer to her friend, trying to catch her eyes.

"I don't know! It just bothers me, ok?" Santana is obviously exasperated.

"San, you can't get mad at her for that." The blonde sighs. "Just tell me what _really _bothers you." Santana groans angrily at her friend as she finally makes eye-contact.

"I'm mad because we talked." Quinn narrows her hazel eyes as she studies her friend's face.

"So, let me get this straight. You called her but you weren't expecting to talk to her." She states sarcastically, causing Santana to stare blankly at her for a few seconds.

"Did Puck tell you that you're funny or something? Because you're not, he just wants to get in your pants." She rolls her eyes, making her friend roll her own hazel.

"Just tell me what you mean." She says pointedly and Santana takes a deep breath as she leans on the wall next to her.

"I'm mad because she _talked _to me. She said that she isn't mad at me and I believed her because she's been listening to my show. And do you know what that means? That means that she _really _isn't mad at me. And do you know what _that _means? It means that I left her for _no fucking reason!_"

"Santana, no. You had a reason _then_. Just because she isn't mad now doesn't mean anything. Well, it just means that she's over it, I guess…" Quinn shrugs but she doesn't really know how her words affect her friend.

"Yeah, she's over it, I guess…"

…

"Mom, you really don't have to clean for us." Brittany mumbles but makes no move to stand up and help her mother who's shuffling around the studio. She's just sitting on the couch and does nothing.

"And who's gonna clean if I don't, Britt-Britt?"

"We're both twenty-four. We're adults. I think we can manage." She shrugs but her mother doesn't reply. She's too busy folding clothes at the moment. Brittany watches her for a few seconds, thinking if it would be a good idea to talk to her or not. She decides to just do it. "Mom?" She calls and Susan hums her response. Or maybe she's singing. Brittany isn't sure. "I did something stupid." She whispers, immediately getting her mother's attention.

"What?" Susan asks like she hasn't heard right as she abandons the clothes and makes her way to the couch and sits down next to Brittany.

"I did something stupid."

"Honey, I know. I told you a thousand times that nothing good comes from dating a couple. I mean I get it, threesomes are fun and all, but it was going nowhere. But it's ok, we all make mistakes." Susan says sympathetically as her arm goes around her daughter's shoulders and pulls her closer. But Brittany pulls back to look at her mother disbelievingly.

"What?" She asks and then shakes her head. "How do you-" She stops herself mid-sentence because she's pretty sure she doesn't want the answer to any of the thousands of questions that just formed in her head. "That is _not _what I was talking about."

"Oh, ok. What is it then?" Susan asks innocently but Brittany knows better than that. She decides to not say anything about the fact that her mother is pretty much physically unable to get embarrassed or shy about anything though, because Brittany never wins at that game.

"I talked to Santana…" She trails off and watches her mother's face shift from 'innocent' to surprised. "I called on her show."

"Oh my god!" Susan whispers excitedly as she grins, making Brittany frown confused.

"Why are you smiling like that?" She asks as she narrows her eyes at her mother but Susan clears her throat and shifts back to serious.

"Nothing, it's nothing. Why did you call?"

"Well, I don't know anymore." She whispers as she looks away from her mother again and relaxes further on the couch. "I thought that it was because she talked about the accident on her show but then, when I called her and heard her voice, I realized that I called her because I missed her…"

"Britt." Susan sighs as she takes her daughter's hand and brings it on her lap.

"I know that we can't go back to how we were but I still miss her. I can't just lie to myself and instead of telling her, or Artie, I thought I should tell you."

"Baby, Santana wasn't just your girlfriend. She was also your best friend. And it's ok to miss your best friend." Susan says softly, making Brittany shrug. It really doesn't matter because Santana can never be her best friend again.

"Do you miss Maribel?" Brittany asks. Maribel and Susan were best friends too, like their daughters. Or better yet, their daughters were best friends, just like them.

"Of course I do."

"Then call her." Brittany whispers. Maribel and Susan stopped talking shortly after Santana left. Brittany doesn't know the reason though or how those two things are related. She only knows that it's not a coincidence.

"I don't know." Susan sighs.

"Do you think she changed? Do you think people change?"

"People surely change. But that's not necessarily bad. People grow up, they experience things. They become stronger, or weaker, they learn. That's life. It's like a cardiogram. There are always ups and downs, otherwise it's just a flat line and that's not life, honey."

"So, does that mean that you'll call Maribel?"

"Well, does it mean that you'll call Santana?"

"It's different." Brittany rolls her eyes. She's definitely not going to call Santana. She isn't crazy. Maybe she had doubts before last week but now she's _certain _that Santana doesn't want to talk to her. And she doesn't want to bother her more than she has already done. "Maribel was just your friend."

"She was my _best _friend." Susan answers distractedly, remembering Maribel and what her life was like five years ago as she looks away from Brittany. "God, was she easy to tease." She sighs, making the younger blonde smile.

"And so _is_ her daughter."

"Everything's gonna be fine, my baby." Susan says reassuringly and tightens her hold around the younger blonde's shoulders.

"How do you know?"

"Mothers just know." She kisses her daughter's temple, making her feel better. "You're one of my two favorite daughters, you know that right?"

"You only have two daughters, mom." Brittany answers, sounding bored because they had that conversation a lot of times.

"Who told you this lie?" Susan asks, pulling back so she could look at Brittany's narrowed eyes. "It's not just you and Olivia, you know. I have more kids, I just didn't give birth to them." She shrugs and stands up, making Brittany's jaw drop open. "My lesbian partner did." She added as she turns to leave.

"What?" Brittany asks incredulously but when she hears her mother's laugh, she rolls her eyes because she fell for it. Frankly, she thinks Susan is capable of anything.

…

Santana is pacing around her living room, the only light in the room comes from the TV. But it's silent. She can only hear her own heartbeats.

"It's ok. It's just a text. Two words. Well, technically three." She rolls her eyes at herself. "It's just a text, just a _few _words."

She looks at her phone that she holds tightly in her hand to see the text she has typed but hasn't sent yet. It says 'I'm sorry.'

"It's ok." She tells herself again. She will just send the text, she's pretty sure Brittany won't answer so that's good. She just wants to apologize for snapping at her, she didn't mean to. Ok, maybe she meant it a little bit. She doesn't know. It doesn't matter. She will just apologize and then they will go back to their lives. Simple as that. Just like Brittany said.

She bites her bottom lip nervously as she reads those few words over and over again.

"Oh, come on. Just do it!" She stops pacing and looks around her living room. "Great! Now you think that people can see you and hear you. You have a problem." She sighs as she goes to sit on the couch and rubs her face with her free hand. "Oh my god. I'm talking to myself. I'm going crazy." She groans and throws herself completely on the couch and hides her face against the cushions. "What are you doing to me, Britt?" She whispers but she isn't expecting an answer because she's fucking _alone_.

She takes a deep breath and sits up again, deciding to act like a grown up woman and not like a five year old. So, without thinking about it any more than she already has, she just presses the send button and does the mature thing. And then she quickly throws her phone on the coffee table. Like, if she holds it a second longer, it will burn her hand. Or Brittany won't get the text. It's too late now though.

She tries to slow down her fast heartbeats as she turns the volume of the TV up. It's a trashy TV show with actors that she doesn't know but it's a good distraction, so she takes it.

Well, at least for the first five seconds. And then her eyes start drifting every few seconds on her phone that's right in front of her, resting on the coffee table. And although she wants it and waits for it to ring, even though she's pretty sure she convinced herself that she doesn't, she still jumps startled when it buzzes. Her eyes widen and her heartbeats increase as she reaches forward to see that it's Brittany calling her.

She takes a deep breath and takes her phone from the coffee table to answer the call.

"Yes."

"_You really need to stop apologizing._" Brittany immediately says. She doesn't sound mad, or sad, or anything. She sounds like Brittany. Sweet.

"But I want to, so…" Santana shrugs, even though the blonde can't see her.

"_Well, ok then. As long as it's not about the accident._"

"I want to see you." Santana blurts out, surprising both Brittany and herself. She has no idea why she said that. Maybe because she doesn't want to talk about the accident and said the first thing that came to mind or maybe because she _really _wants to see those blue eyes again. But the silence she's met with, makes her feel uncomfortable and squirm where she's sitting on the couch, until she hears Brittany's chuckle.

"_That's a really bad idea, like those you have sometimes. Like that one time when you wanted to put oregano in the brownies. What was that about?_" Brittany asks, making Santana suck her lips inside her mouth and hum, not sure if she should answer or not.

"Uh…That wasn't oregano." She says carefully and then there's another silence before Brittany starts laughing. That laugh that makes Santana feel like the most awesome person on Earth because she managed to elicit such a sound out of the blonde. It's like she's doing a good deed for humanity.

"_I know._" Brittany says between her laughs, making Santana chuckle at her but frown at the same time.

"You knew it was weed?" She asks in disbelief and can barely recognize the 'yes' Brittany lets out as she continues laughing uncontrollably. "Then why didn't you let me do it?" She asks when the blonde's laughter dies down, making her sigh.

"_Because my dad would be home and it would be a really bad idea to find as laughing our asses off for no reason, or you know…_" She trails off and clears her throat. "_Find us all over each other._"

"Right…" Santana nods slowly. That would be a bad idea. She doesn't like that man. But she won't say anything to Brittany. She didn't say anything back then, when Santana had come a long way, dealing with her sexuality and coming out and he was trying to make her feel uncomfortable about it all over again and ruin it for both Brittany and Santana. So, she didn't say anything then and she's not going to say anything now either. "So, do you feel any better?" She asks, remembering that Brittany was sick the last time she talked to her.

"_Yes, I'm fine. Thank you for asking._" She can hear the smile in Brittany's voice and it makes her feel a little better. Only a little though.

"I'm serious though, I really want to see you." Santana says quietly.

"_No, you don't._" Brittany states as her voice shifts, making Santana swallow thickly. "_You just want to know if I…if I danced again._"

"No." Santana shakes her head as her eyes immediately fill with tears because she hears how Brittany's voice cracks. Because no matter that Brittany says she's fine about it, Santana knows that she will never be really fine about it.

"_Yes!_"

"No, I know that you didn't, Brittany." Santana sighs sadly, effectively shutting Brittany up for long uncomfortable moments.

"_How do you know?_" She asks then but before Santana has time to answer, Brittany answers her own question. "_Our moms._"

"Yeah." Santana confirms. "So, what do you say?"

"_Are you sure that you want that?_" Brittany asks and it's clear in her voice how unsure she is about this.

"The only thing I know is that I want to see you. I told you, I'm being myself now, I'm not hiding anymore." Santana says softly and when she hears Brittany sighing, she knows that she understands what she means. That the days when she was denying her feelings are over. Not that she's wearing her heart on her sleeve now, she's pretty sure she has feelings about the blonde that she doesn't even admit to herself.

"_You know that eventually we're gonna talk about things and that won't end well, Santana. We both know it._"

"We won't talk." She immediately reassures, although she isn't sure at all.

"_So we're gonna just stare at each other? Well, that's gonna be a really awkward meeting…_" Brittany mumbles, making Santana roll her eyes.

"Look, I can't force you to meet me. If you don't wanna see me then fine." She shrugs. It's like Quinn said, although Santana didn't want to believe her. Brittany is over everything, apparently.

"_It's not that I don't want to see you, San._" She says, making Santana's heart skip a beat at how soft her voice sounds. That's the voice Brittany used to talk to her back then. She loves that voice. "_It's just that I don't…I can't around you. I don't know._" Brittany doesn't make much sense but Santana understands. The blonde just doesn't want to know what effect she can have on her, and so Santana just takes a few seconds to think if _she _wants that. If she wants to go back to zero and try to get over Brittany again. Which she's pretty sure she never did in the first place. But before she can decide, Brittany speaks up again. "_But I really want to see you too._"

"Is that a yes?"

"_Yes._"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

_Santana steps out on the porch of her house to find her girlfriend already lying on the couch in her super short shorts and too small tank top. There's too much skin exposed for her to see, although it's dark outside, and she just loves it. Brittany doesn't seem to notice her, so she smiles as she slowly goes to stand behind the armrest of the couch and bends down to whisper against blonde hair._

"_Hi."_

"_Shit!" Brittany jumps in surprise as her hand instinctively goes above her heart and turns sideways to see Santana. "You scared me!"_

"_I'm sorry, baby." She chuckles and Brittany rolls her eyes but lets a smile take over her face as she relaxes on the couch again. "So you _do _curse after all."_

"_I never said I didn't, _you _think I don't." Brittany shrugs as she leans her head back on the couch so she could look at Santana upside down._

"_But you're too sweet for that." Santana whispers seriously, making Brittany blush a little._

_But she smiles and grabs the back of Santana's neck to bring her down so she can connect their lips at this weird upside down position. Santana takes a sharp breath in surprise and groans when their tongues lamely try and royally fail to massage each other's and after a while she manages to pull back._

"_You know, we had lots of awkward and bad kisses but this was _by far_ the worst." Santana says breathlessly, making Brittany chuckle and nod her agreement. "Now I can't even think of having my tongue on you ever again." She goes around the couch to lie next to her girlfriend and then notices her wide in shock eyes and terrified expression. "I didn't mean that." She says quickly, making Brittany sigh in relief._

"_Why would you say it? That was just mean!" She cries dramatically as she turns on her side and shuffles closer to the brunette to hide her face in her neck, making her chuckle._

"_I'm sorry." Santana replies amused as she cups her cheeks and pulls her back from her neck so she can kiss her properly. And she sighs at how perfectly they move their lips together. "Now that was a good kiss. No teeth in weird places, no tongues in weird places and definitely no unnecessary drooling."_

"_Way to ruin it, babe." Brittany rolls her eyes and Santana just shrugs. "Are you parents sleeping?" She asks then as her arm goes around Santana's slim waist and she tangles their legs together to bring their bodies closer._

"_Yeah, it's weird that my mom just lets us be on her couch, right?"_

"_It's because she trusts us that we won't have sex here."_

"_Definitely not." Santana mumbles and Brittany can practically feel the heat coming from her tanned cheeks. It makes her smile amused because, although they've been having sex for years, Santana still freaks out only at the thought of someone else, not just knowing, but seeing them too. Even back when it was 'just sex', although it never was just sex, Santana still believed that sex with Brittany is something sacred and private and just for the two of them. And it is._

_And it just makes Brittany love her even more. It amazes her how her heart always beats so fast when she's around Santana. Maybe it's because her girlfriend is undoubtedly beautiful and attractive. Or maybe it's Santana's olive, sun-kissed skin that makes her heart go crazy. Or maybe it's her scent or her full lips. Maybe it's her smile and the dimples that always make Brittany feel all warm inside._

"_Hey." Santana whispers, effectively breaking Brittany out of her thoughts. She's staring at Santana like she's the only person in the world and it makes the brunette feel a little uncomfortable. And warm inside. And perfect. "What are you thinking about?"_

"_Just you." Brittany shrugs._

"_Why are you thinking about me when I'm right here?" Santana chuckles and Brittany rolls her eyes at her girlfriend. "I think of you when you're not with me because when you're with me, I prefer talking to you. And doing other stuff."_

"_What stuff?" Brittany smirks, doing her best to ignore the effects that Santana's confession have on her heart. But Santana just ignores her._

"_Although I'm sure you're always with me. You're like an angel, like an actual one with your perfect blonde hair and perfect blue eyes. Like a real angel." Santana whispers seriously, making Brittany swallow thickly at the way Santana's expressive eyes are looking straight into hers. "But you're like _my _angel." She adds. Santana always calls her her angel, no matter how cheesy or tacky it may sound to anyone. It's just for them and Brittany loves seeing Santana being so open with the way she's feeling. She really is in love with her.__  
><em>

"_Just cuteness overload." Brittany shakes her head but before Santana can protest and whine, she leans forward and shuts her up with the most effective way. By kissing her perfect full lips. It's her favorite thing to do and she plans on doing it all night long._

…

Santana is nervous. She's nervous. She drunk half the bottle of wine by now but she stops because she wants enough alcohol in her blood to calm her down but not enough to make her do or say things that she shouldn't do or say to Brittany.

They agreed to meet at Santana's apartment because the blonde was being all weird about her place. She made Santana think that the blonde is living with someone, or she's married, or she has kids. She shakes her head though, as if to get these thoughts out of it, because she doesn't want to think about that. She doesn't care. Not that she doesn't care about Brittany, but she really doesn't want to think about her with someone else. Although it's probably the case, Brittany being with someone else. Why wouldn't she be? Anyone would want to be with her, she's pretty much perfect.

Well, at least that's how Santana wants to remember her. The last time she saw her, Brittany wasn't much her perfect self. Everything that surrounded her was dark, her words and her actions. But Santana will never forget her eyes. Those piercing blue eyes that always were so bright, like they held the sun's light, were now dark. Just darkness and hopelessness, sadness and pain.

She sighs as she drinks the rest of the glass she poured for herself, hoping it will get rid of her thoughts. But a knock on her door pulls her completely out of the depressing mood she was about to fall in. Her eyes widen because she hasn't realized that the time went by and she shakily stands up from the couch as she runs her now clammy palms down her jean-clad thighs.

She's actually debating whether to open the door or not. Her stomach and heart tell her no, threatening that they will fail her if she does, but her brain tells her to move already because maybe ten seconds passed but she's still standing in place. She finally decides to listen to her brain, not that she has any other choice, and goes to her front door.

Her hand is shaking uncontrollably as she reaches for the door knob and her heart is only seconds from stopping. Now she knows what a heart attack feels like. She opens the door anyway, so quickly like she's taking off a band-aid, thinking that it won't hurt. But when she sees Brittany, it still feels like she's been hit by a train. She still stops breathing, because she doesn't feel any air in her lungs, as she stares at the blonde.

She looks older, more mature, more beautiful. More perfect. She knew she missed those blue eyes but, only now that she can actually look into them, does she realize how much. Not only how much she missed them but how much she _needed _to look into them.

Brittany looks tired, like she has too much weight on her shoulders. Which are slightly slumped. Santana knows when Brittany is tired. Not because she had a long day, but because of…life.

"Hi." Brittany says hesitantly while her eyes keep dancing around Santana's face, admiring her caramel skin and plump lips and the way her brown hair, which is gathered in a tight ponytail, exposes her defined jaw line. And then her warm brown eyes, eyes full of…Santana. She's overwhelmed because everything is Santana right now, and she doesn't know how to feel about it.

"Hi." Comes that raspy voice she longed to hear for years and it makes her swallow thickly.

They stay in a silence, which neither can tell if it's a comfortable or an uncomfortable one. It's not awkward though because, no matter how many years have passed, they still know each other. It's still Brittany and it's still Santana. No matter what's happening between them, that no one knows, it's still them. And it still feels familiar.

But it also feels foreign at the same time. Because the last time they saw each other, they were fighting. And then they both spent a huge amount of time being heartbroken and trying to understand why they had to be. It just puts them both back in that process of trying to understand who's to blame.

"I'm sorry, come in." Santana says when she realizes that they're still standing there with the door open and Brittany outside the apartment. She looks away from Brittany's eyes as she steps to the side to let her come in.

She watches her in awe, because it feels surreal to her that Brittany is in her apartment, as the blonde steps inside. Santana takes a deep breath, having the naïve thought that it will calm her fast heartbeats, but it only makes Brittany's scent invade her senses and put her in a daze. It's like not a single day has passed since the last time she smelled that scent, or seen those eyes. She wants to cry like a baby but she decides to be an adult and so she closes the door and turns to Brittany again.

The blonde has her lips inside her mouth and her hands in her coat's pockets as she shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the other every two seconds. She has a frown on her face, and Santana knows that frown more than anyone. It's a pained frown.

"Britt…" She trails off.

"I really shouldn't be here." She whispers and looks away from Santana and around the apartment. It doesn't feel like Santana's apartment. It's too clean and it doesn't smell like Santana. She doesn't want to know why though, she doesn't want to know anything. She doesn't care. "I really, _really _shouldn't be here." She says again, as if that one time isn't enough to make Santana's stomach drop.

"Brittany." Santana frowns and the blonde rolls her eyes as her hands go to hold her waist, like she's tired from standing for too long.

"I have to go now." She wants to move but Santana is still standing right in front of the door. She feels trapped.

"You can't just leave." Santana almost snaps, but it only makes Brittany chuckle, confusing the brunette even more.

"That's so funny coming from you." She shakes her head as she steps closer to the door, and therefore closer to Santana too. "At least I have the decency to _tell _you." She adds pointedly but still quietly, effectively making Santana freeze in place. Because she wasn't expecting Brittany to attack her.

"That's unfair." She whispers.

"_Life _is unfair." Brittany sighs and Santana watches her as she rolls her head from side to side while her hands keep holding her waist. And then they both hear Santana's phone start ringing in the kitchen. "Saved by the bell." Brittany mumbles to herself, but Santana hears her and rolls her eyes.

"You're really being so unfair." She sighs.

"Aren't you gonna get that?" Brittany wonders, looking away and choosing to ignore what Santana said because maybe it's true.

"No. It rings all the time, so…" Santana shrugs.

"Because you're famous now." Brittany says. Her voice isn't bitter or angry, she sounds impressed and kinda proud. But then she realizes what she said and quickly turns to Santana again. She isn't sure if the brunette would like to be reminded of the fact that Brittany is up to date with Santana's life when the brunette basically knows nothing about her life right now. Although Santana still knows her like the back of her hand.

"I'm not famous. But that's probably Quinn _wanting_ to make me famous." Santana rolls her eyes, thinking about her friend and how annoying she can get about photoshoots and advertisements.

"So, you two are still friends?" Brittany asks.

"Yes." Santana nods and Brittany nods too at this new information. But then she remembers again that she doesn't really want to be here.

"So anyway, I need to go." She mumbles as she goes to move again. Although she knows that both her back and Santana will protest.

"Just sit down." Santana frowns as she watches Brittany being uncomfortable and in obvious pain.

She remembers that Brittany was like that five years ago. After the accident, her back muscles weren't strong enough. She couldn't stand still for long, her back always hurt and she couldn't hold herself straight up. And the same happened if she moved too much. Santana swallows thickly as her nostrils flare in her effort to not cry because, although Brittany was doing fairly good with the physical therapy before Santana left, all these things are _still _happening to her.

"No." Brittany shakes her head as she keeps glancing at the door.

"You obviously can't leave right now, so just sit down to rest." Santana says with finality and Brittany sighs because she knows that the brunette is right. And she hates that Santana still understands her. Maybe she doesn't hate it, maybe she likes it and she's glad about it.

So, she slowly and hesitantly makes her way to the couch and sits down, doing her best to mask the relief that she's sure is visible on her face. But she knows that Santana will notice anyway. She really didn't think that Santana would still know her this well, but right now she's painfully aware of the fact.

"Your back still hurts." Santana doesn't ask, she states because it's obvious. She notices the way the blonde sits at the end of the couch and that she didn't even take off her coat, like she's ready to stand up at any moment and leave.

"Yes." Brittany admits as she looks away from the brunette.

"Why?" Santana asks as she goes to sit next to the blonde. But not very close, the fact that she's in her apartment is enough to make her heart go crazy. She doesn't need the proximity or the scent or the warmth that comes from Brittany's perfect body.

"Because I stopped doing the physical therapy." Brittany answers quietly.

"Why?" Santana asks again, already knowing that she shouldn't poke the bear but not really being able to do anything else.

"Well, I don't know, Santana. It's not _that_ motivational when your girlfriend dumps you without even telling you." Brittany's voice is sad and as angry as Brittany can get.

"Why are you attacking me? You said that you didn't want us to talk." Santana frowns as she rubs her forehead nervously and looks away from Brittany. She really doesn't know how to react.

"I thought that I didn't, I thought that we were fine but then I saw your face…"

"So, what? You hate my face now?" The brunette snaps but Brittany just shakes her head. She could never hate Santana's face, it's just that all the heartbreak she went through comes back to her.

"I do not hate you." She answers calmly.

"Then why are you being like that?" Santana asks and then tenses when she feels Brittany shuffling closer to her on the couch. But she doesn't touch her. Santana thinks that tonight, she will _definitely _have a heart attack. And she's only twenty-four. She can feel Brittany's warmth and she can smell her scent and it makes her not know what she wants. Disappear or just melt against Brittany.

"Do you remember those Saturday nights when we would ditch our friends and we would lie on Maribel's perfect couch out on the porch of your house and just be? Those were the only times when you were letting your sappy self take over because it was dark and you thought that I couldn't see your embarrassed face when you were telling me that we were born for each other and that we were meant to be together." Brittany's voice is soft. So soft but shaky at the same time, trying to get Santana to look at her. But the brunette can't. She can barely keep herself from crying just by hearing Brittany's voice. If she looks in her eyes, she's done.

"Why are you telling me this?" Santana asks. She was uncomfortable then and she's uncomfortable now and she doesn't know why Brittany brings it up.

"Do you remember or not?" Brittany asks. She isn't angry but her voice is strong now because she's trying to make a point.

"Of course I do." Santana whispers and Brittany nods. She knew it already, her brain can't actually process the thought of Santana not remembering these things. It can't happen. It's impossible. No matter what.

"And do you remember that one time when you told me how you wanted to leave Lima? That you wanted to travel all around the world? But I didn't want you to leave me, and I told you so. And you laughed at my naivety because it was _so _obvious to you that we would do that together. It was a given. It was a fact. There was no other way. It wasn't just you and it wasn't just me. It was always you and me _together_."

"Brittany." Her voice is hoarse and deep because no matter how hard she tries, tears still slide down her cheeks.

"And I believed you. Because I had my arms around you and I could lean over and kiss you any way I wanted and for as long as I wanted. You always let me do whatever I wanted with your lips. So anyway, I could feel it in your kisses that you meant that, that you really wanted us to be together forever. I really believed that, you know. I really thought that you were my forever. I really loved you."

"I wasn't lying to you, Britt." Santana says quietly.

"Well, it doesn't matter now, does it? The fairytale is over. Because that's what it was. A fairytale." Brittany shrugs but Santana can tell by the blonde's voice that she's sad. Santana doesn't believe her though and neither does Brittany. Because both of them know that their relationship wasn't a fairytale. That it was very much real. It wasn't always rainbows and glitter between them, they had their ups and downs and came a long way to establish a strong and open relationship. But Brittany still refuses to admit that out loud because in her head, their relationship wasn't strong enough to handle her fall. And she's disappointed because it's not just her fault and it's not just Santana's. It's both of them.

Santana watches the blonde as she reaches on the coffee table to take the bottle of wine.

"Is this yours?" She asks and gestures to the glass but Santana doesn't have time to answer because Brittany is already pouring wine in it. And then she takes the glass and downs in it. It makes Santana's heart flutter, because although it's such a small thing, you still don't drink from a _stranger's _glass, do you? But those two are not strangers and they are both reminded of the fact by this small gesture. They're Brittany and Santana.

"Brittany." Santana frowns at her but the blonde ignores her.

"I wasn't just your part-time girlfriend, you know. It wasn't just sex, it wasn't just dating, it wasn't even just girlfriends. You meant a lot more than that to me and I thought you knew that. I thought that you would _tell _me if you wanted to leave."

"Britt…" Santana sighs as she wipes her cheeks. "I didn't want that." She whispers but Brittany still ignores her.

"I wouldn't have made you stay, you know. I know it became a toxic relationship after the accident, a relationship that nobody wants. And I'm really sorry for that. It was bad and I would understand why you would want to move on."

"Stop attacking me, Brittany! I told you that's not true!"

"What I'm trying to say…" Brittany says strongly and pointedly, making Santana go quiet. "Is that I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. And I thought I was fine until I saw you."

"Don't pretend that it's all my fault, Brittany. Don't pretend that I didn't do what you wanted me to do." Santana snaps because that's what she does best.

"No, you did what _you _wanted to do. You wanted to go away from me and you did just that."

"No!" Santana snaps. It's all so confusing. It's a messed up situation and she knows that she won't win a single argument. Because she isn't strong enough. She feels too guilty. "Just admit that you didn't want me anymore."

"I'm not admitting that because it's not true." Brittany states and watches the brunette stand up and leave the room, making her frown.

Santana goes in the kitchen to find her phone before going back in the living room and take her place on the couch again. She sees that the missed call is from Quinn, like she knew already, but she ignores it because there's something else she wants to find.

Brittany stays silent as she watches Santana wearing her very Santana-like frown and shuffling on her phone. Is she ignoring her or what? She slowly licks her lips and winces as she rests her back on the couch, silently wishing that she could just stand up and leave. But she knows she can't.

"You say you didn't want me to leave." Santana says then and offers her phone to Brittany who is confused as she takes it to see a picture of her and Artie. Her jaw drops open and her eyes widen. That picture was from five years ago when they were still in Lima, after Santana left. "You seem _so _heartbroken just after three months, sitting on Artie's lap and being all over him." Santana says sarcastically but Brittany is still surprised because of the fact that Santana has such picture to care for that. It's not true anyway.

"Where did you find this?" She asks and frowns when Santana looks at her incredulously.

"_You _sent this to me!" She snaps.

"No, I didn't!" Brittany immediately protests.

"Then who did?" Santana wonders. The truth is that she doesn't know why Brittany would send her that picture. When she thinks about who wouldn't want her going back, she can only think of one person. Brittany's father.

"I don't know! Why would I send you that? And Artie is just my friend." She explains but Santana just stares blankly at her for a few seconds, trying to understand what Brittany is saying.

"He _is _your friend?" She asks slowly.

"Yes and 'sitting on his lap' is how I like to hug him!"

"I don't give a fuck how you like doing your boyfriend, Brittany!" She says angrily as she takes her phone back from the blonde.

"I just told you that he's just my friend."

"Oh please! I practically invented that lie and he can't be your friend because he's your ex." Santana rolls her eyes and Brittany sighs. If Santana won't believe that they're just friends, then she certainly won't believe that they're just roommates.

"Well, even if he wasn't just my friend, you still don't have any say to that since you left!"

"Whatever, Brittany. You just don't get to be all angry at me and attack me for leaving when you wanted me to and then you were all over him after that, ok? You came back in my life out of nowhere. Literally out of _nowhere, _so you don't get to accuse me of anything. You only get to explain!"

"I don't think I owe you any explanations, Santana. I never wanted you to leave, you just assumed that and you just decided by yourself to break us up. So, no. I don't need to explain anything I did after you left." Brittany shakes her head as she stands up. "And Artie is my friend! He was there for me when _you _weren't!" She snaps and turns to leave but Santana stands up too and grabs her arm to stop her. She doesn't say anything because she doesn't know what to say. She just _hopes _that Brittany doesn't mean that.

Brittany turns back to face Santana, immediately regretting what she said when she looks in her warm brown eyes. Her eyes that are silently screaming at her to take it back. Because they both know that what Brittany said is not true. That Santana was there for her through bad and worse. She was there when Brittany couldn't even walk for two months, and then she was there for her first steps holding her hand, although Brittany didn't want her to be. Or she was pretending that she didn't want her there. Santana was there for four months after the accident.

"Santana." She whispers as her hands instinctively cup tanned cheeks and brings their bodies closer. It feels so familiar and so right, although the rational part of their brains tell them that it's not. They both ignore it though. "I didn't mean that." She shakes her head as her thumbs softly caress Santana's still wet cheeks.

But the brunette doesn't say anything. She couldn't even if she wanted to, because she's in a daze at the moment. Because Brittany's whole body is against hers and because her heart is about to get out of her chest and because their faces are so close that she breathes Brittany's air. She doesn't remember when the last time was that she was so close with the blonde, who looks like she's about to kiss her.

Brittany swallows thickly as she glances down at Santana's lips. She knows that the both of them always communicated their feelings through touches, because words usually failed them. Words were too hard. And so are now. But the heartbreak is still in her mind. Because this person that is right in front of her really did break her heart. But it's still Santana.

Brittany sighs as her arms go around Santana's neck and her lips slowly close the gap between them and settle on the burning skin of her cheek. She closes her eyes as she feels Santana take in a sharp breath. She knows that she relieved both of them by not kissing her, because Santana's heart broke too.

"I'm really sorry." Brittany whispers then as she hugs her tightly but Santana's response isn't verbal. She says she's sorry too by bringing her arms up and hugging Brittany's waist. She just hides her face in Brittany's neck and smells her scent and feels the warmth that her body radiates as she melts against the blonde. She just feels like…it feels like _home_. And she takes advantage of that to finally calm down after a lot of years. "He really is just my friend, you know." Brittany mumbles when she pulls back, like she _needs _Santana to know that, and the brunette sighs as she reluctantly drops her arms from around the blonde's waist.

"Ok." She shrugs. But before she has time to process what that really means, there's a knock on her door, causing her to widen her eyes. "Oh no, Quinn!" She whispers to herself.

"Quinn's here?" Brittany wonders.

"I think so." Santana sighs as she steps away from Brittany and heads to the door. She hesitantly opens it, because she doesn't really want to share not even a second of Brittany with anyone else, to reveal her blonde friend. "Quinn Fabray." She acknowledges but doesn't open her door fully because she wants her to leave.

"Santana Lopez." Quinn says back with the same tone, but a little more confused because Santana is acting weirdly. "Let me in, you idiot."

"I'm sorry, I can't."

"Why not?" She frowns but Santana doesn't have time to come up with an excuse when she feels Brittany behind her and when she sees Quinn's eyes go comically wide. "Brittany!" She exclaims surprised and Santana sighs as she steps back and opens the door wider. "Hey, look! It's _Brittany._ In your _apartment._" Quinn says pointedly to her friend and Santana rolls her eyes because it's obvious that she's mad that Santana didn't tell her that Brittany would be here.

"Hello, Quinn." The taller blonde smiles at her old friend and Quinn smiles back as she brings her in for a hug.

"Hi! How are you?" Quinn asks when she steps back.

"I'm good." Brittany nods and glances briefly at Santana next to her, to make sure that she's fine, before looking at Quinn again. "How about you?"

"I'm great!" Quinn says, obviously really excited for seeing Brittany. "So, um…" She trails off as she looks between them. They don't seem to be fighting but they don't seem to be all lovey-dovey either. _That's our goal, _fangirl Quinn nods to herself. Well, not _too _lovey-dovey and getting it on in front of her like they used to do in high school…"So, what's going on?"

"Nothing..." Brittany trails off and glances at Santana. She wonders how much Quinn knows about what happened between them. She probably knows everything. "I should go."

"Wait! We haven't seen each other in like, five years! We definitely need to catch up!" Quinn tells Brittany, completely ignoring Santana who pretty much wants to kill her right now.

"Uh…" Brittany trails off hesitantly, not sure what to say. She did miss Quinn but Quinn is Santana's friend now and she just doesn't know what's going on with Santana.

"I wasn't asking, you know." Quinn chuckles. "You're coming to my house tomorrow night, ok?" She asks but she doesn't really wait for an answer as she turns to Santana. "You can come too." She shrugs like it's Santana's choice but both of them, or all three of them, know that it's not. Brittany forces a smile and turns to see how Santana feels about that but Santana looks like she doesn't know how to feel. Well, that's basically how Brittany feels too.

"Lawyers." Santana rolls her eyes, like she's apologizing in behalf of Quinn, making Brittany chuckle. Not only because of the 'joke' but also because Santana seems to be fine with them meeting again.

"Ok then. Tomorrow." Brittany agrees, making Quinn grin and Santana force a smile.

"Ok, great!" Quinn exclaims, causing the other two to frown and basically make her realize that she has to stop being so excited, otherwise they will realize what she's trying to do. So, she clears her throat as she steps to the side to let Brittany pass. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Both Quinn and Santana watch Brittany leave before getting in the apartment and closing the door.

"You think that because you're a lawyer, everything you do is smart?" Santana wonders as she glares at Quinn.

"No, I think that everything I do is smart because it is." Quinn answers, indifferent to Santana's glare, as she goes to sit on the couch. It only makes the brunette click her tongue in annoyance.

"Why was it so important for you to 'catch up' with Brittany?"

"She was my friend too, you know." Quinn frowns at her.

"Yeah yeah, ok. Now we won't have anything to talk about and it's gonna get so awkward. We're gonna end up talking about your legal shit and stuff. You're ruining everything!"

"Are you serious right now? When was the last time that Brittany ran out of things to say?" Quinn wonders but Santana just shrugs as she sits next to her.

"Maybe she isn't like that anymore." She whispers, more to herself, but Quinn still hears her.

"Those things don't change, San. She's still Brittany, just because she's five years older doesn't mean that she suddenly has a filter now. You wanna bet that she will bring me a 'present' tomorrow that's a cleaning product or toilet paper or something?" Quinn asks, making Santana start laughing because she can definitely see that happening. "And if she does, you will shut up and be good, ok?"

"Fine." Santana chuckles one more time as she relaxes on the couch.

"So, what's going on with you two?"

"I don't know…"

"Do you want to get back together with her?" Quinn asks, which pretty much makes Santana choke on nothing because she didn't think that there was such a question.

"No, she's married or something." She frowns. She just doesn't want to think about getting back together with Brittany right now.

"How much idiocy can actually fit in your brain?" Quinn wonders, causing Santana to roll her eyes. "She listens to your show every morning, you idiot. Imagine her wife or husband going like 'hey, why are you listening to that chick every morning?' and she'll be like 'it's just my ex, we spent our whole lives together and we've been having sex since we were twelve-"

"We weren't twelve!" Santana protests but Quinn ignores her.

"But I'm not still in love with her. I just listen to her show every morning because it's totally normal to be obsessed with my ex when I'm married.'"

"Shut up." Santana frowns and Quinn smiles. She doesn't expect miracles, like to see them start kissing once Brittany enters the door. But she just wants to plant the seed inside Santana's head. Not that it needs much effort, she's obviously still in love with the blonde, although she probably won't even admit it to herself right now.

Santana though, is thinking what Quinn said. Does Brittany still listen to her show every morning? Even after they talked? Brittany didn't say anything but maybe she will if Santana play a song whose meaning only Brittany can understand. That way it will be like talking to her without anyone knowing. It will be like talking to just her.

…

"Hey, Britt." Artie says, throwing a glance at Brittany who's just got in the apartment, before returning his attention on the laptop that's on the kitchen table.

"Hey." She breathes as she closes the door and takes off her shoes and coat.

"Did you leave earlier from work today?" He wonders. They work together at a magazine, Artie is in the production department and Brittany in the editorial, and they usually go and leave together.

"No, I had to meet someone." She answers vaguely. She won't say it was Santana she was meeting because Artie doesn't need to know. He doesn't even know that they talked on the phone. She doesn't know what his reaction will be and before she tells him anything, she just wants to know what all of this means. But she still doesn't know, even though she saw Santana and she's supposed to know everything.

"Was it a man or a woman?" Artie asks, making the blonde roll her eyes.

"Does it matter?" She asks, almost challengingly.

"No, I guess." He shrugs and Brittany hums, choosing to not get defensive about her sexuality right now, as she goes to open the fridge and grab a bottle of water.

She sighs as she leans against the counter and takes a sip. She's scared that at some point all the hesitancy and heartbreak will just go to the back of her mind and she will do something stupid around Santana. Like she almost did today. She almost kissed her. What was she thinking? But the truth is that she missed Santana too much and she starts to think that she would do anything to make things right again and win the right to kiss Santana whenever she wants to.

"Hey Britt, I fixed your laptop." Artie says then, breaking her out of her thoughts.

"Really? What was the problem?" She asks as she places her bottle on the counter and goes to stand next to him and see what he's doing on her laptop.

"Apparently, you watch too much porn." He answers teasingly, causing Brittany to snort. She would answer if it was any other time but she isn't in the mood to play right now.

"Seriously, what was the problem?"

"Just a virus."

"So, is it ok now?"

"Yup." He answers as he closes it and slides it closer to her.

"Thanks, you're the best!" She exclaims as she takes her laptop and turns to throw it on the bed. "Well, not _the _best. I'm the best. But you're ok too." She shrugs, making Artie roll his eyes.

"You're welcome, Britt."

She hums as she watches him grab his own laptop and open it. She narrows her eyes as she goes to lie on the couch, remembering that picture someone sent Santana. Who would do that to her? Could it be Artie? The truth is that Santana isn't Artie's favorite person because he only knows what Brittany went through after their break up. And also maybe because he believes that if it weren't for Santana, Artie and Brittany would still be together. But would he really go that far to hurt Santana like that? She doesn't know but she promises to herself, and to Santana, to find out.

…

_The next morning;_

"_Good morning to anybody that have just tuned in._" Brittany smiles because Santana seems to be back to herself. All last week, she was barely talking on her own show and Brittany was sure that it was because of her. But now Santana sounds like she's 'ok' again and it relieves the blonde. "_So, the next song isn't really a dedication from anyone to someone. I just felt like playing it and it's my show, so I can do whatever I want._"

Brittany chuckles quietly at Santana's teasing tone but her laugh immediately stops when she recognizes the song playing. 'Lips Of An Angel' by Hinder. She swallows thickly, doing her best to _not _remember how Santana used to call her that. But it's not really working because she definitely remembers. She remembers and she won't ever forget. She sighs at the lyrics though.

What does Santana even mean when she says that she felt like playing this song? It's just…It's just too meaningful. She wonders if it's a random song or if Santana is really thinking that, how Brittany used be 'her angel', was their thing. Her heart starts beating like crazy because she can't not think that Santana is thinking about her too right now. She really hopes so.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

"Everything smells great, Q." Brittany comments as she leans her hip on the counter and watches the other blonde shuffling around her kitchen.

"Thank you, Britt. Hopefully San will be here soon. The food is not good if it's cold." She mumbles as she shakes her head. "She always has to be late. You know how she always needs to make a grand entrance."

"No, she doesn't." Brittany defends but chuckles too anyway. She knew it already, that Santana is still not in a good relationship with time. She talked about it on her show a lot of times, how she's always late but thankfully never too late to start her show.

"So, anyway." Quinn sighs as she closes the oven and turns to face Brittany. "How have you been, Britt? Have you been in New York for long?"

"Well, in a few months it will be five years." She answers, surprising Quinn. "Yeah, I know. Everything happened so fast after that…" She trails off, obviously talking about the fact that Santana left and four months later Brittany moved to New York too. With her family.

"Does San know that?" Quinn asks slowly and Brittany shakes her head 'no'. "Well, ok." She shrugs. She won't tell Brittany that Santana wanted to go back to Lima when she came to New York but always changed her mind at the last moment. Until she received a picture of Brittany and Artie and finally pushed the idea of going back completely out of her mind. Quinn thinks that this is something that Santana should tell Brittany by herself.

"So, I was gonna bring you an oven cleaner, because I can see that you're still super clean." Brittany changes the subject, sensing that there's something Quinn isn't telling her, as she looks around her friend's clean kitchen. "But I came here straight from work and I couldn't like, take it there with me."

"You didn't have to bring me anything, Britt. The wine is perfect though, thank you." Quinn replies amused because _she knew it! _She just wishes Santana would be here to hear this too. "Where do you work?"

"At a magazine."

"That sounds great!" Quinn comments.

"Yeah, it is. I get to work with models and take photographs and edit and all that stuff. Pretty cool." Brittany nods.

"So, you like it?" Quinn asks, feeling happy for her friend that she does something she likes, considering how her dancing career ended before it even started.

"Well, I'm still an assistant and my boss doesn't really like me. But I still like it, so…It's the next best thing, really." Brittany answers quietly, and she doesn't need to explain any more of that. "Although I don't get to go home with the models because I'm pretending to be a professional." She adds then, making Quinn chuckle.

"I'm sure you _are _a professional, Britt." Quinn says but before Brittany can reply, they hear Quinn's phone start ringing. "I'm sorry." She apologizes to the taller blonde as she takes it from the counter and winces when she sees who it is. She answers anyway. "Hey." She says and Brittany just knows that it's Santana and that she won't be coming. And she already feels her stomach dropping. "Ok." Quinn sighs as she holds the phone for Brittany to take, and she does a little hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"_Hey, Britt. It's me._" Even Santana knows that she doesn't have to say her name. That Brittany would recognize that voice no matter what. She _loves_ that voice. When she hears that sound, it's like her heart opens in half to welcome the brunette to come in, in all her perfect glory, and she has absolutely no problem with that. Well, she doesn't have a problem of knowing it herself, she doesn't think that she wants Santana knowing that too though. She feels vulnerable.

"Hey." She says back and nods to Quinn who mouths that she will be right back. But Brittany knows that she just wants to give her a minute. "How are you?"

"_I'm good._" Santana answers. "_You? How's your back?_" She asks. Brittany sighs because she kind of hoped that Santana wouldn't remember about her back pains. But that's so unrealistic and naïve of her.

"I'm fine." Brittany nods, although Santana can't see her. "That doesn't always happen. Just sometimes." She shrugs and Santana hums, obviously not really believing the blonde. But she doesn't say anything. "You're not coming, are you?" Brittany asks then, trying to make her voice come out emotionless. She doesn't want Santana knowing that she's actually sad and disappointed.

"_I'm so sorry, Britt. Puck is doing some changes and he wants me to do a sound check. He says it'll take all night. I'm pretty sure it'll take all Christmas._" Santana sighs and Brittany sighs too.

"Well, ok." She just hopes that Santana isn't making up excuses to not come. She really does hope so, because she certainly wants to see Santana again. And again and again.

"_Britt, it's legit I swear. I really have to be here._" Santana says, like she can actually read Brittany's thoughts. It wouldn't surprise the blonde that much. Santana has always been very good at reading her.

"Hey, it's ok. That's your job." Brittany says reassuringly. She wants to ask if they're going to meet ever again but she doesn't just in case Santana is actually avoiding her.

"_So, what are you guys gonna do?_" Santana asks.

"Well, hopefully we're gonna eat because by the smell of it, Q is still a great cook, and then we're just gonna talk about you." Brittany answers teasingly. It makes Santana laugh, which makes Brittany's stomach do all kinds of flips.

"_I think that's gonna be boring for you, Britt. What can Quinn possibly tell you that you don't already know?_" Santana asks as her laughter dies down and she sighs. But she speaks up again before Brittany can actually melt at the thought of still being the person who knows the brunette best. "_What are we doing, Brittany?_" She asks then, surprising the blonde. Because she wasn't expecting the question and now she doesn't know what to say.

"I don't know."

"_Are we the worst enemies? Are we ok? Did we become like those people who pretend that everything is ok until something comes up and then everything falls apart again?_"

"San…" Brittany sighs as she runs a hand through her hair and looks behind her to make sure that she's still alone.

"_Are we friends or what?_" Santana asks again.

"Friends?" Brittany chuckles humorlessly. "I don't know, San. The last time you insisted that we had to be just friends, I ended up naked in your bed that same night."

"_Brittany…_" Santana sighs. The brunette obviously wasn't expecting that answer but that doesn't make it any less true. "_Look, I know it's complicated but I also know that now that you're back in my life, I want you to stay._" Santana whispers, effectively making Brittany's heart start beating faster, and her knees to go weak at her tone and at her words. "_We could be friends, you know. I really missed that. I missed _you_. I mean I know it's basically my fault that we're like this now, I understand that and I admit it-_"

"San, please let's not do this right now." Brittany interrupts her. It's not just Santana's fault but they shouldn't have this conversation over the phone. "Ok." She says then.

"_Ok?_"

"Ok, we can pretend that we're friends for a while." Brittany mumbles. She isn't really sure about this. Her brain is telling her that this is a bad idea. But still, her heart is screaming at her that this is the best idea she ever had.

"_Ok._" Santana says and Brittany takes a big breath as she goes to sit on a chair by the kitchen table.

"And I missed you too." She adds quietly and holds her breath, so she can hear Santana's breath hitch. She doesn't say anything though, and Brittany's glad about that because it means that Santana isn't being casual. That she's serious about the way she's feeling, and Brittany is serious too.

"_I think Puck is looking for me but I'm hiding in the bathroom._" Santana says then, making Brittany smile because it's obvious that the brunette is trying not to laugh. "_Puck is the sound technician._" She adds for clarification.

"I know who Noah Puckerman is, San." Brittany reminds her that she is probably her biggest fan and the most loyal listener.

"_Right…_" Santana trails off slowly. "_Do you like…do you still listen every morning to the show?_" She asks quietly.

"Uh…that depends."

"_On what?_" Santana asks confused.

"On why you're asking me." Brittany says as she watches her finger which is drawing random patterns on the kitchen table. "Like, do you not want me to?"

"_I can't really tell you what to do._"

"So, you're not mad?" Brittany asks.

"_No…_" Santana trails off whispering and Brittany hums her response. "_But that means that you know stuff about me._" Santana adds then.

"I know lots of stuff." Brittany smirks, because she can tell that Santana _really _wants to know.

"_Like what?_"

"Well, I know what your job is." She states the obvious and can imagine Santana rolling her eyes. It makes Brittany smile because it's very Santana-like to roll her eyes.

"_What else?_" She asks and Brittany hums thoughtfully.

"Well, I know that you're still pretending that you don't like Christmas because every chance you get, you mention how your show is not gonna be Christmas holiday themed. And also, there was not even a Christmas tree in your apartment yesterday…"

"_I _do not_ like Christmas._" Santana immediately says.

"Ok." Brittany chuckles and it's _so _obvious to both of them how Santana can't hide from Brittany. And the same goes for the blonde. Sometimes she likes it, other times she loves it. "I also know that you're practically highjacking your own show. Like, its purpose is to play people's songs that they dedicate to other people but you just play whatever you want." Brittany says quietly, like she doesn't want anyone else to listen because it's just for the two of them. It's their secret.

"_No, I don't._" Santana chuckles nervously.

"Yeah, you do." Brittany says back, making Santana chuckle again. "That's what you did today anyway." Brittany whispers. The brunette doesn't say anything but her silence gives Brittany the only confirmation she needs, to know that Santana was playing that song for her. And it just makes her feel warm inside. "It's a really great show though. You're really great and still so young, I believe you have a lot of potential to do more great things. People seem to love you, you're really great." Brittany says softly and she means every single word. Brittany has always been her number one fan to anything Santana did.

"_Thank you, Britt._" Santana says and Brittany can hear the smile in the brunette's soft voice, making the blonde smile too.

"And don't worry, I won't tell your fans that you have the most beautiful voice in the whole universe but you just choose to not sing." Brittany says then but her voice isn't that teasing. "They'll think you're weird."

"_I um…I'm- I don't._" Santana stutters.

"What? You don't sing?" Brittany asks challengingly and hear Santana's sigh.

"_Let's not do this, Britt._" Santana whispers.

"Well, ok." Brittany shrugs, it's obvious that Santana doesn't want to talk about the accident. Because she probably already knows how the blonde thinks and what she's going to say. That because Brittany can't dance, then it doesn't mean that Santana shouldn't sing. "Hey, you should go back to work and I have to find Q."

"_Yeah, ok…_" Santana says and Brittany can hear in her voice how much she doesn't want to do that. She wants to keep talking to Brittany like this is going to be the last time they talk to each other.

"Text me when you go home just so I know that you're safe." Brittany says then but both of them know that that's not the real reason. Santana has been living by herself for years and when Brittany wasn't even around. They just both want to keep talking to each other and they find these ridiculous excuses to keep doing so.

"_Ok, I will._"

"Ok, bye." Brittany says and waits until Santana says it back before hanging up the phone.

She sighs as she places the phone on the table and rubs her face with her hands. The realization that she's still in love with Santana shouldn't be that shocking to her because she knew it. She knew that she never really stopped loving her. But now she doesn't only know it but she _feels _it too.

She stands up and goes in the living room to find Quinn sitting on the couch and flipping through channels on the TV.

"Hey, I'm sorry about that." Brittany says, feeling bad for leaving Quinn alone for so long. Santana has that effect on her. Like nothing else exists when she's here. Santana is the centre of her attention. Quinn immediately stands up as she turns off the TV.

"It's ok." She smiles reassuringly, making Brittany feel a little better. "That happened last year too, by the way." She adds as she walks around the couch to go stand in front of Brittany.

"Really?" Brittany asks. That actually makes her feel a little better because it really means that Santana isn't making up excuses.

"Yeah, I think they're updating the systems every year. Last year San didn't even get home for Christmas. She didn't have Christmas last year and I'm pretty sure it's gonna be the same this year too."

"That's bad…" Brittany pouts and Quinn smiles sadly at her because last year, what bothered Santana the most wasn't that she didn't have Christmas. It was that she didn't have Christmas with Brittany. Brittany is the reason Santana likes Christmas.

"She'll be ok, Britt. She's with Noah."

"Yeah, ok." Brittany nods but she still feels bad. And Quinn seems to understand that because she immediately cheers up.

"Come on, it's time to eat!"

…

_Two days later;_

"Mom!" Brittany shouts as she enters the house but there's no response. She frowns confused, because her mother was supposed to be home from work by now, as she closes the front door. "Ollie!" She calls for her sister, who is supposed to be home too, but still nothing. She hums as she walks further in the house to find her younger sister in the living room, sitting on the couch wrapped up in a blanket and staring at the turned off TV. "Hey, you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Olivia answers but doesn't turn to look at her sister as she stands up and quickly leaves the room, confusing the older blonde. She thinks she heard her sniffling, so she follows her in the kitchen.

"Kid, what's wrong?" She asks and the younger blonde sighs as she turns to face her sister and reveal her puffy and red eyes.

"It's nothing, just an allergy or something." She mumbles, making Brittany roll her eyes and step closer to her sister to hug her. And Olivia just about melts against her sister.

"What happened?"

"Nothing." The younger blonde insists, making Brittany sigh. Olivia has always been very secretive about everything. It's just who she is.

"Is something wrong with the university?" Brittany asks when her sister pulls back from the hug and shakes her head 'no'. "Is it about your grades? Did you get a 99 or something?"

"No! I'm not _that _pathetic!" Olivia protests as she pushes her glasses further up her nose and goes to sit on a chair by the kitchen table.

"Oh, ok." Brittany holds up her hands defensively and goes to sit next to her. It's like an insult for Olivia to tell her that she got anything less than the best. "Well, then what is it?"

"It's nothing. Just change the subject." She almost snaps and Brittany frowns, because this is typical Olivia, as she crosses her arms in front of her chest and leans back on her chair. She waits for a few seconds to see what her sister will do but when she does nothing, Brittany speaks up again.

"So, where's mom?"

"She's gonna be home any moment." Olivia answers and they fall in a silence again.

"I can actually hear the crickets." Brittany mumbles to herself.

"You don't have to fill the silence, you know. Silence is good. We can stay in silence, it's not awkward."

"Jeez, you're extra grumpy today." Brittany says as she crosses her legs and turns away from her sister.

"What? Are you gonna tell me that I need to get laid too?" Olivia snaps, surprising her sister.

"I would _never _say that to my little sister." She says pointedly, causing her sister to deflate and look away. Brittany knows that her sister never had sex and that it bothers her sometimes because she's twenty and everybody else she knows isn't a virgin at that age. Brittany also thinks that her sister has never even kissed anyone. "Someone _actually _told you that?" Brittany asks, although she knows that the answer is 'yes' because it's the only thing that could get a reaction out of her sister. Otherwise she's pretty expressionless. At least on the outside. Something how Santana used to be.

"Yes, that stupid chick who thinks that the most important thing in life is the number of people you spread your legs for." She mumbles bitterly and Brittany nods slowly in understanding. "No offense." Olivia adds, effectively making Brittany's jaw drop open.

"Excuse me!" She protests loudly, making her sister chuckle. "I'm not like that!"

"No, I know. It's just your face was worth it." She teases, making Brittany roll her eyes. "But you can't say anything to mom!" Olivia adds, panicking even at the thought. "She's gonna tell me to just do it already."

"No, she's not." Brittany immediately defends. "She's proud of you, you know. That your brain is actually inside your skull and you're not doing anything reckless just because society thinks is what you should do. I'm not saying that you have to do it with the person that you're gonna marry, but still it should be someone special to you, so he or she can take care of you."

"He or she?" Olivia asks and Brittany shrugs.

"Doesn't matter to me."

"Yes, because you're bisexual."

"You could be too." Brittany shrugs again, effectively putting her sister into thinking. "You've never thought of that?"

"No…" The younger blonde trails off and Brittany chuckles. She should know that Olivia's mind wouldn't be on her sexuality but on numbers instead. Not just numbers, but generally on her career.

"Well, think about it. You know that mom is gonna be ok with it, no matter what."

"Well, anyway. Not everyone has their Santana to take care of them, Britt." Olivia sighs.

"I don't have a Santana anymore either."

"I think that since she's back in your life, it's only a matter of time."

"I think it's not that simple."

"I think it is. _You _just like to complicate things." Olivia says pointedly, making Brittany sigh.

"Maybe…" She trails off as her hand goes through her hair. "I saw her the other day, you know." She says and Olivia nods slowly, prompting her sister to continue. "God, she's so beautiful. I wanted to kiss her so much, it was like those five years were only five minutes and we're still together. But we're not, and those five years are not just five minutes. They're five years of a life without Santana. And I can't just forget how I lost the ground under my feet for the second time in only a few months. So yeah, maybe it's simple. Do I love her or not? That should be my only concern." Brittany shrugs and smiles sadly at her sister who is looking at her sympathetically.

"I think you do."

"I don't think so." Brittany shakes her head. "I _know_ so. That doesn't concern me, I don't even have a single doubt about that. I do complicate things though, because I'm scared. No one can really guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen, and who tells me that she won't leave me again?" Brittany wonders. She isn't really expecting an actual answer but Olivia usually takes things literally.

"Am I finally allowed to talk about Santana?" She asks carefully.

"Of course you are." Brittany frowns at her.

"Well, let's not pretend that her name wasn't banned in our house." Olivia says pointedly but Brittany just shrugs. It's true, for a really long time, she didn't even want to hear that name. "I understand where you're coming from but knowing Santana, she would never leave just like that, Britt. If you think about it, Santana isn't shallow like that to be a bitch to you for years and then just because you were being one for a couple of months, she would leave you. I mean you shouldn't assume things, you should ask her because maybe there are things that you don't know. Santana wouldn't just change her mind from one minute to the other." Olivia says, effectively putting Brittany into thinking.

"Jeez, why do you always have to be the smart one? I'm always the naïve one." Brittany rolls her eyes then and Olivia shrugs. Because she knows that she's telling the truth. And Brittany knows it too, she just doesn't want to think about it right now.

"You're not the naïve one. You're the one who doesn't give a fuck about things."

"Well, anyway. For now we're just friends. We're not talking about anything like that."

"I'm pretty sure you were supposed to do the opposite. You should talk first, before deciding to be friends." Olivia says pointedly but Brittany just shrugs. They never do things properly anyway. "But you two being friends sounds like so much fun. I wonder how many seconds _that _will last once you're in the same room." Olivia chuckles, making Brittany roll her eyes again. She has the suspicion that no one will really believe them that they're just friends. How can she expect that from other people when she doesn't even believe it herself?

They're Brittany and Santana after all.

…

_Christmas day;_

"Mami, I'm fine. I promise." Santana sighs. She's been on Skype with her mother for an hour now, trying to convince her that she's fine. That she doesn't feel sad and miserable because it's Christmas and she's alone. "I'm really ok. I got home from work two hours ago and I'll go to sleep now because I have to wake up early and go to work again. So, I'm ok. I only miss some real Christmas food but I'll survive." She shrugs.

"_My poor baby._" Maribel all but cries, making Santana roll her eyes. "_I'll send you some food._"

"You won't send me food." Santana says pointedly.

"_Well, then I'll come to New York and cook for you._" Maribel says with finality.

"You don't have to. I might come to Lima…" Santana trails off, surprising her mother because she has no idea that she talked with Brittany again.

"_Mija…_" Maribel says slowly, the question clear in her voice, but Santana would describe that tone as more warning than anything.

"I guess I could come sometime after Christmas. I mean I don't know because it's the show too. I'll see and I'll let you know, ok?" Santana tries to change the subject but when Maribel doesn't even smile at this news, she knows that she's going to have to answer to some questions.

"_Are you and Brittany back together?_" Maribel asks. Well, Santana wasn't expecting that her mother would immediately go for the tough questions. But then again, Maribel isn't very well known for her discretion.

"No, we're just friends. I think." Santana mumbles thoughtfully. She doesn't know. The past three days, they've been talking like they're best friends. It was like they slipped back to how they were five years ago, when everything was perfect and they were carefree and happy. They were talking at the wildest hours, because of Santana's work, about the weirdest things, never going to serious territories. Just catching up with each other. And it was probably the best three days Santana had in a really long time.

"_Just friends?_" Maribel asks, looking suspiciously, and Santana sighs.

"I don't know, mami. I don't wanna think about it. I'm just gonna sleep now, ok? And you should go back to the family."

"_Alright, mija. I'll talk to you soon. Take care of yourself, yes? And tell Brittany I said hi and also ask her how is Susan!_"

"Ok, mami. Goodnight." Santana says and waits for her mother to say it back before closing her laptop.

She sighs as she sits back on the couch and stretches her arms above her head, letting them fall limp by her sides again. She isn't sad and miserable, she's fine. She nods to herself, as if that will make it true and fill her day with love and family. As if that will fill the deafening silence in her apartment. That it will make the thought of her family being all together go away. That it will make the thought of _Brittany_ go away.

"Whatever." She mumbles then to herself. It's just Christmas, it's just another day that she doesn't like. She never did. Although Brittany called her out on it.

But a knock on her door doesn't let her talk to herself anymore like she planned on doing. She frowns as she stands up, thinking that it's Mrs. Piggs, her neighbor, probably to tell her to be quiet, although Santana never does any noise. Her neighbor is just crazy but Santana doesn't say anything to her because she's sweet and brings her cookies sometimes. Those delicious ones with the coconut and chocolate chip.

It's with that thought that she opens her door to reveal not her neighbor, but Brittany instead. Her jaw drops in surprise as she stares at the blonde who is smiling at her, making her knees go weak.

"Hi." Brittany says and waits almost seven seconds for Santana to respond. But when she doesn't, she steps around her to get inside the apartment because it's cold outside and also because she's been standing for too long and it hurts.

But the brunette stays still, staring where Brittany was standing just now, until she hears her giggle and snaps out of it. She closes the door and turns around again to face the blonde.

"I'm sorry I'm late." Brittany tells her, effectively confusing her.

"Uh…what?" She's trying to remember if they agreed to meet but she would certainly remember if that happened. Her heart wouldn't let her forget.

"Don't worry, you didn't invite me. I was just thinking that I should come sooner but my mom wouldn't let me leave, so I'm kinda late for me. For you I'm not even welcome for all I know." Brittany says in one breath and she looks kind of nervous too.

"Of course you're welcome." Santana immediately reassures her, making the smile appear on the blonde's beautiful face again.

"I brought you something." Brittany says then, holding up a back that Santana only now notices.

"Ok…" She says dumbly, because she's still in a daze. It's only the second time she sees Brittany and it's still difficult for her to not watch her in awe as she does the simplest things. Like breathing.

"Please tell me that you're hungry." Brittany says as she steps closer to her.

"Well, that depends. Did you cook? Because then I'm not." Santana says teasingly, making the blonde roll her eyes.

"Seriously, San?" Brittany is _not _amused, but it only amuses the brunette even more. "You know I have an issue with cooking." She adds defensively.

"Right, I'm sorry." Santana holds up her hands in apology but she sounds anything but apologetic. "So, what did you cook?"

"Nothing. My mom did. I know you like the honey and mustard glazed gammon she cooks every Christmas, so I brought you some." She says as she goes to sit on the couch and place the bag she's holding on the coffee table. But Santana is kind of rooted at her place because even at the thought of Susan's food, her mouth waters.

"Oh my god, Britt." She breathes, making the blonde giggle again as she takes off her coat.

"You act like you haven't eaten in years." Brittany says amused.

"I haven't eaten that in years. Do you even know how many dreams I had about Susan's gammon?" Santana asks and Brittany rolls her eyes at her ridiculousness as she takes the plastic container out of her bag. "And she _only_ cooks that on Christmas. I'm pretty sure that's illegal." She complains.

"Just come here, girlie." Brittany says.

"Oh, no!" Santana groans. "You don't get to call me that again, Britt!" She protests as she goes to sit next to Brittany on the couch.

"Why not? We're friends now and that's what I was calling you the last time we became friends." Brittany shrugs as she opens the container and holds it up for Santana to take.

"Yes, but the last time we became friends we were three years old. Plus this time _you know_ that I do not like it when you call me that."

"I don't really care." Brittany answers as she takes the fork and turns to Santana. "Now eat, girlie."

"Don't call me that." Santana mumbles bitterly as she takes the fork from Brittany and sits cross-legged on the couch, before diving in, causing the blonde to chuckle once again. "Am I in heaven?" Santana wonders with a mouthful and then moans as she takes another bite.

"I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to like it _that _much, San." Brittany smiles at her, doing her best to ignore Santana's moans, but the brunette just shrugs back.

"Aren't you hungry?" She wonders.

"Oh god no. I ate so much today." Brittany sighs as she leans back on the couch and puffs out her stomach. "I'm like pregnant now." She mumbles as her hands go over her bloated stomach, which is still flat. But when Santana doesn't respond, she turns to see that she's looking at her expressionless. "I shouldn't make this kind of jokes, should I?"

"No." Santana shakes her head.

"Well, I'm not pregnant." Brittany frowns at her but Santana ignores her and looks away from those piercing blue eyes that she's sure they can still see in her soul and decipher every single one of her emotions. She knows that if she lets Brittany look in her eyes then she will know how she still feels about her. And what she feels right now is jealousy even at the thought of Brittany being pregnant with someone.

"So, how come you're in New York?" Santana changes the subject. "Why aren't you in Lima?"

"Uh my family is here so…" Brittany trails off as she takes off her shoes and sits cross-legged on the couch too.

"How come?"

"We moved here almost five years ago." She whispers, effectively making Santana arch her eyebrows in surprise.

"You did?"

"Yeah, four or five months after-" Brittany stops herself because she doesn't need to continue. They both know that Brittany means after Santana left. But she doesn't want to think about it right now. It's Christmas after all. It's a happy day. A day of love.

"So, my mom was asking me how your mom is doing." Santana says then, choosing to not say anything about their break up, and she knows she did the right thing when Brittany smiles again.

"She's doing great! We should make them call each other again…" She trails off and Santana nods her agreement. They were best friends after all.

"What about Olivia?"

"She's doing great too. She's at the university now, she's studying something with finance and insurance and I don't know. I think it's called actuarial. I don't know what that is and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know." Brittany shrugs and Santana chuckles.

"That's great. That little genius." She shakes her head. Olivia always impressed her, so level-headed and mature. "Tell her I say hi."

"You can tell her yourself. She turns twenty-one next month. We should take her out for her first drink."

"She goes out?" Santana asks. Weirdly, or not so much, this surprises her more than Brittany telling her that they should go out. Well, friends go out so…

"No, she doesn't." Brittany chuckles. "And I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that she should go out at least once to make sure that she really doesn't like it. And I'm sure she would want you there too. She thinks you two are more similar than her and I."

"Ok." Santana nods and smiles. She definitely missed Olivia, she always loved her like the little sister she never had. Although they really were very much alike and fought more often than they should. And Santana is pretty sure that things will still be the same.

Santana purposefully hasn't asked anything about Brittany's father because frankly, she doesn't want to know anything about that man. And Brittany seems to understand that because she doesn't even bother to tell Santana how _he _is doing.

They stay in a silence after that as Santana places the now empty container on the coffee table and takes the glass of wine she was drinking earlier. They don't say anything, not because they have nothing to talk about but because they have _so many _things to talk about.

The brunette leans back on the couch again and watches Brittany as she sits there and plays with her hands on her lap, like she's patiently waiting for Santana to eat, so she can stand up and leave. Like that's the reason why she's here. Making a good deed, not leaving a person spend Christmas by themselves. She knows Brittany would do that for anyone, but it still makes her feel special. Like she still has a role in Brittany's life.

"Britt, you have no idea how much this means to me." Santana whispers, getting Brittany's attention when her voice wavers. She thinks about all the Christmas she spent by herself because she couldn't go back to her home. Because she couldn't go back to Brittany. It means so much to her that Brittany could actually be with her family right now but she's here with Santana instead. After what happened, after what she did to both of them, the blonde still wants to be here.

"No one should be alone on Christmas day." Brittany answers, completely understanding what Santana is trying to say, as she looks away from her. She doesn't want to look at her because Santana's eyes can make her break every wall she's ever built to get over her. To mend her heart. But it doesn't really help when she feels Santana's hand covering her own.

"Britt…" Santana trails off, wanting the blonde's attention. She can't but she wants to say so much. That she tried so hard to get over her. That she's fooling herself pretending she doesn't love Brittany anymore. That she's just a friend to her. Santana can pretend that, because they haven't seen each other in five years then they're two strangers, all she wants. She can keep trying but in the end of the day the truth is that it only took Brittany a phone call to remind her that she can never actually be over her. "I just want you to know that you being here right now means the world to me."

Brittany's answer should be quick. She's here because she still loves Santana like crazy. She doesn't really need to think about it. The only thing she has to think about is whether to tell Santana the truth or not. She can't lie to her though, so she decides to not say anything. She doesn't want to talk right now.

"It's Christmas, San. Let's not remember what we did to each other. Let's not remember how we got here." She takes a big breath as she shuffles closer to Santana on the couch and takes the glass of wine Santana is still holding to place it on the coffee table before turning to the brunette again. She cups both of her tanned cheeks and brings their faces closer. "Let's not do that, let's do this instead." She whispers as she leans forward and presses her lips against Santana's. She wants to tell her how much she loves her, and it's excruciating that she can't. That's why she kisses her. Because it's the only way she can show the brunette how she really feels.

Santana takes in a sharp breath, filling her insides with everything Brittany. Her scent and her taste that she missed so much. She whimpers before responding to the kiss as her hands try to find anywhere to touch the blonde. One hand settles on her back while the other on her knee as she revels in this reunion.

It's been too long since the last time Brittany touched Santana like this. It makes her closed eyes fill with tears as she presses her lips harder against Santana's and pushes her so she will fall on her back. Brittany settles on top of her as her hands go to grab her hips, like she wants to ground herself. Like she wants to make sure that Santana won't disappear from beneath her.

Santana's heart is beating so fast as she feels Brittany's whole body on top of hers. As she feels Brittany's heart beat with the same rhythm against her chest. It makes her whimper in the kiss as her hands go in Brittany's blonde hair to hold it back from her face. She's overwhelmed because Brittany hasn't changed the way she kisses her. Because Brittany still loves her. She knows it, she feels it and she tries to convey it back.

Santana is a whimpering mess and she actually moans as Brittany's tongue massages hers. She doesn't care how embarrassing the noises she makes are, because she still can't wrap her mind around the fact that she's kissing Brittany again after five years. She really is in heaven, she cannot explain it otherwise.

But Brittany likes it that she can still elicit such noises out of the brunette. That she still knows how to kiss her and how to touch her to make her a whimpering mess. And her heart expands inside her chest and skips a beat as she feels Santana's hands slowly slide down her back, her fingers digging in her muscles above her shirt, like they're trying to bring her closer. It makes the blonde feel how much Santana needs her, how she clings on to her like she's her oxygen. But it also hurts, because even at Santana's softest touches, her back muscles are still protesting.

"San." Brittany breathes as she feels Santana's hands relieve her back muscles. "That hurts." She whispers as she connects her blues with Santana's browns. And Santana can see in Brittany's beautiful blue eyes that the blonde is feeling that pain that relieves her. So, she continues her ministrations on Brittany's back, causing her to completely fall on top of her and hide her face in her neck.

"Britt, what's going on with your back?" Santana whispers as her hands slowly disappear under the blonde's shirt. She pauses her movements when she feels Brittany tensing, but when she relaxes again, she restarts massaging the blonde's back. Starting from her lower back, feeling her soft skin, and all the way up to her shoulders before repeating the movements. This is the first time Brittany lets Santana touch her like this after the accident and it has the brunette's heart going crazy. But she tries to calm down because she wants Brittany to remain calm too. She doesn't want her to get angry, like it used to happen five years ago.

"It hurts." Brittany says again and bites her bottom lip as Santana continues to massage her as best as she can in that position. But it's still like Santana knows exactly what to do to her to completely have her in her mercy.

"Why?" Santana asks but Brittany doesn't answer right away, she thinks that if she tries to make any sound, it will only be a whimper. So she firstly takes a few deep breaths.

"My muscles are sore and weak." She whispers after a few more seconds of Santana's massaging.

"Do you have to be like this? Is it permanent?"

"No, there's exercises I could do but I'm just too tired after work. Like, I'm standing all day anyway, that's stress enough for my muscles." Brittany mumbles where her face is still hidden in her favorite place, between Santana's head and shoulder.

"But baby, that's not right. I'm barely even touching you." Santana says softly. She doesn't seem to realize what she said but it makes the tears the blonde has been trying to hold back, escape her eyes. Because it feels so natural to call each other that. And it's also so real, it's not just in Brittany's memories anymore. "Why are you crying?" Santana asks when she feels the wetness of the blonde's tears against her skin.

"We're not talking, remember?" Brittany reminds. If she starts to tell Santana why she's crying, she doesn't think she will be able to stop herself from confessing everything. Everything she felt and still feels. And she actually whimpers when she feels Santana's reassuring kiss on her temple.

Because Santana isn't that naïve. She knows. Because she feels the same way. And that's why she doesn't protest or say anything when Brittany stays hidden in the crook of her neck. She lets her stay there because she knows that's what Brittany needs right now. That's what she needs too. She's actually enjoying the shivers that go down her spine when she feels Brittany's breath against her skin, because it's been too long since she felt that. And it feels good. It feels familiar and it feels right.

"You're so soft." Brittany tells her as her arms disappear between the couch and Santana's slim waist to hug her tightly against her. She sighs when she feels the brunette's hands leave her shirt to go around her too. Her face stays hidden in the crook of Santana's neck, smelling her scent and feeling her warmth. It only makes her feel the rejoicing that Santana is back, that she's here again.

And so it doesn't take them long to fall asleep like that, completely connected, feeling the most relieved they've ever felt. Feeling content again. Feeling complete.

* * *

><p>A.N.: Thank you all for your follows, favorites and reviews! I hope Santa brings you what you want this year, but most importantly I hope he brings you happiness, love and health! Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! :)<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

_She's been sitting on a chair, leaning her elbows on her knees and having her hands clasped together in front of her for six hours. Santana's eyes are wide as she stares hard at the white wall of the hospital hall opposite her. She doesn't want to close her eyes because every time she closes them, she hears the car coming and then she hears the breaks and the high-pitched noise that the tires make against the concrete. And then she hears her own screams. It makes her sweat, it causes her breathing to pick up and she clasps her hands harder together in front of her._

_A hand on her shoulder startles her and she turns her head to the side to see Susan sitting on a chair beside hers and smiling softly at her._

"_How are you, honey?" She asks, her voice soft. Not accusing. The brunette still doesn't answer though, because she doesn't understand the question, as she returns her attention on the wall again. "She just came out of surgery." Susan adds softly, effectively making Santana quickly turn to her again. She still doesn't say anything though, because she doesn't know if she's even _allowed _to do that. But when Susan stays silent and studies her for a few seconds, she decides to speak up._

"_Wh…" She lets out, trying to talk, but her voice is hoarse and raspy because she hasn't talked for hours, and only now she realizes that her throat is actually burning. She swallows thickly, wincing at the feeling of her sore throat, as she looks desperately at the older blonde._

"_She's gonna be fine." Susan says reassuringly. "No Juilliard though." She sighs when she notices the brunette teenager trying to stifle a whimper, and her arm slides around Santana's shoulders and brings her closer to kiss her temple. "Spine surgeries are always risky but she's gonna be fine, that's what matters."_

"_I'm so sorry." Santana whispers and goes to get out of Susan's hold, but she's too weak and Susan doesn't let her._

"_It's not your fault, sweetheart. The doctor said that if you had let her move on the ground after the collision, then the damage would be permanent." Susan tells the teenager, trying to make her feel better and stop blaming herself. It's obvious how shocked Santana still is. "Or even fatal." She adds quietly._

"_No." Santana breathes and finally allows her eyes to fill with tears._

"_Susan!" James's, Brittany's father's, voice booms through the walls of the quiet hospital, startling almost everyone._

"_You did good keeping her in place, my baby. You did good." Susan kisses Santana's temple one last time before standing up, letting Maribel take her place and hold the teenager who started fully crying. The older blonde's heart breaks at the sight as she turns to go to her husband._

"_I want them gone." James says once Susan is standing in front of him as he looks at the Lopez family a few feet away with a look of disgust on his face._

"_She's our daughter's girlfriend. They're not leaving, James." Susan answers quietly but still strongly._

"_Do I need to remind you that she's the reason we're here in the first place?" James snaps as she grabs Susan's arm and brings her closer. Susan is sure that her arm is already bruised._

"_Yes, she's the reason your daughter is even alive. So, she isn't leaving." Susan states, doing her best to ignore the pain on her arm._

"_Don't be stupid, Susan. I want her and her people gone now!" James says angrily as he tightens his hold on Susan, making her wince._

"_Do you really want to do this right now?" She asks him pointedly as she looks down at his fingers around her arm. They add so much pressure, his knuckles are white. But then he loosens his hold. "I didn't think so." She adds as she completely shrugs her arm free. "They're not leaving. Deal with it." She turns to leave him and goes back to Santana to sit on her other side as Maribel holds the shaking and sobbing teenager._

…

She really doesn't want to get up from Santana. It's probably sometime after midnight and she's been awake for a few minutes now, enjoying being in Santana's arms again, but she knows she has to get going soon. The brunette is just too comfy right now. Brittany takes in a slow and deep breath, filling her senses with Santana's familiar and intoxicating scent, as her face stays hidden in the brunette's soft and warm neck.

She sighs as she very reluctantly, and careful to not wake Santana up, she starts to push herself up. She pauses to look at the brunette's beautiful face and instinctively licks her lips as her eyes goes down on Santana's full plump lips. She really wants to kiss her again, her lips are still tingling from their kiss earlier. She thinks that she shouldn't have kissed her the first time though, that's why she barely keeps herself from leaning down and claiming those addictive full lips again.

"Britt." Santana's low and raspy voice breaks her out of her thoughts and her eyes snap up to warm browns. It's dark but the light coming from the street is enough for Brittany to look clearly in _those_ eyes. Santana is like her drug that constantly keeps her high, and the truth is that she shouldn't like the effect Santana has on her that much. Her heart is too fragile to give that power to the brunette again. But Santana takes it with little to no effort. It makes the blonde swallow thickly when she replays the past five years in her head again and she realizes that maybe the brunette never even lost that power.

"I have to go." She whispers and sighs as she stands up. She obviously hasn't been very quiet trying to get up and not wake Santana. "Shit." She groans as she straightens and then twists her back to relieve the muscles on her back.

"Why?" Santana asks as she sits up and leans back on the couch, rubbing her eyes with her hands.

"I just have to go." Brittany shrugs as she bends down to put her shoes on. She really doesn't want to talk to the brunette right now.

"But Britt-" Santana starts to protest, because she's a little confused as to what changed while they were sleeping, and also because she wants Brittany to stay. But the blonde interrupts her.

"We're friends and friends don't do this." She gestures between them as she takes her coat from the back of the couch, but Santana's hand grabbing hers, doesn't let her put it on. She turns to look at her questioningly, doing her best to ignore how her skin burns because of the warm hand in hers, but Santana is looking back expressionless. A look she's been giving Brittany since forever. A look Brittany hates because it only means that the brunette is trying to suffocate her feelings. But she can't care about that right now.

"We're not doing anything, we're just being friends." Santana manages to let out, making Brittany sigh.

"No, we're not." She shakes her head as she gently shrugs her hand out of Santana's hold and puts on her coat. "I kissed you and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry, just forget about it." She says dismissively, although she knows that she herself can't forget it. And deep down she knows that Santana can't either. But she chooses to ignore it.

"I don't understand." Santana mumbles, this time causing Brittany to frown angrily.

"You don't understand what? We have to stop pretending that everything is ok, because guess what. _Nothing _is ok." The blonde states, her voice now louder than before, and then she turns to leave. Santana takes a few seconds to get over her surprise at Brittany's words before quickly standing up from the couch and catches up with Brittany just before she can open the door.

"What exactly happened while you were sleeping?" Santana wonders, making Brittany sigh and run a hand through her blonde hair.

"I kissed you and I shouldn't have. I can't do this, can't you understand? I don't _want _to."

"But Britt-"

"You left, Santana!" Brittany finally snaps as she takes a step back because she's too close to the brunette right now. "And that's not even the worst part! You _broke _me! I was already down, I didn't need that. But what hurts the most is that you left me when I needed a shoulder to lean on, when I needed someone, _something. _You left when I needed _you!_" She doesn't really look at Santana because she doesn't want to see her face. She doesn't want to know if her words are hurting the brunette or if she's indifferent to all of this. But she knows that Santana understands how hurt _she _is, if her wavering voice or her now tear-filled eyes are any indication. "How do you expect me to sit here and pretend that I'm ok when I'm not?" She asks, but doesn't really expect an answer, as she wipes away the tears from her face. "I wasn't ok and you just left me." She repeats.

"I uh…" Santana clearly doesn't know what to say. But Brittany doesn't even let her think about it.

"I understand that you had your reasons. I get it." She adds more calmly as she nervously licks her lips and then opens the door to step half-way out of the apartment, doing her best to make her voice come out strong as the next words leave her lips. "But you still don't kick someone who's already down, Santana. And I'm holding that against you."

…

Quinn enters the control room to find Puck at his usual place playing on his laptop, and Santana sitting on a chair by the wall and playing on her phone.

"You're working so hard." Quinn comments sarcastically but she only gets a reaction from Puck who turns to smile at her. Santana doesn't even acknowledge her presence. The blonde frowns questioningly at Puck who throws a glance at their brunette friend and shrugs helplessly. "Hey, San."

"Hi." Santana grunts her response but doesn't look up at her friend. She continues going through her twitter messages because she doesn't want to talk to anyone.

Her eyes are burning because she hasn't slept at all last night, spending her hours feeling like she's the worst person for doing something that she thought best at the time. But Brittany seemed genuinely hurt and the last thing Santana ever wanted was to hurt the person she loves the most.

"What's up?" Quinn asks, knowing for a fact that Brittany would go to Santana's last night, because her blonde friend told her that she would, but she doesn't know what happened between them. Well, it probably wasn't anything good, if you go by Santana's devastated face.

"Nothing, Quinn." Santana says seriously, making it clear that she doesn't want to talk. But as usual, Quinn isn't having it.

"Can you give us a minute?" She whispers to Puck, so Santana won't listen to them.

"What's in it for me?" He whispers back as he smirks and stands up to step closer to the blonde.

"I'll let you touch my boob later." Quinn smirks back.

"You're lying." Puck frowns at her.

"I'm not." Quinn shrugs and kisses his cheek, making him leave the room satisfied. Quinn turns her attention back to her friend who is still playing on her phone.

"You two are disgusting." Santana says while still not looking up from her phone, making Quinn roll her eyes.

"You hooked us up, so…"

"I still don't want to witness this." She shrugs, making Quinn sigh at her mood. "And don't even bother, Q." Santana tells her, already knowing that her friend wants to know what is wrong with her.

"Ok, just tell me what happened." Quinn tries as she goes to stand in front of Santana who finally looks up at her.

"No."

"Come on. Do you want me to start guessing?"

"No." Santana states again and Quinn frowns as she crosses her arms in front of her chest.

"Oh my god, please don't tell me you two had sex!" She then exclaims quietly. That wouldn't be ideal.

"Do you hear yourself?" Santana snaps. "We haven't seen each other in five years, why would she want to have sex with me?" She asks pointedly. She knows that the problem isn't the five years but how Brittany feels about her. And as far as she knows, Brittany wants to stay as far away as possible and Santana thinks that if her heart wasn't already broken, it would break a thousand more times.

"Ok, no sex. No need to get aggressive." Quinn holds up her hands defensively, which makes Santana roll her eyes. "So, then what happened?" The blonde asks then but Santana ignores her and looks down at her phone again. Quinn hums thoughtfully for a few seconds, completely ignoring the brunette's huffing. "Did she tell you that she lives with Artie?" She guesses then, effectively getting Santana's attention again.

"I'm sorry, what?" Santana asks slowly as she stands up and almost glares at Quinn.

"Uh…nothing." Quinn quickly shakes her head. Apparently Santana didn't know that.

"She _lives _with _Artie_?" Santana asks, still not really able to comprehend what her friend just told her.

"I don't know!" Quinn exclaims. She feels bad for telling Santana. She thought that if Brittany told _her, _then she would tell Santana too. Apparently not.

"What the fuck?" Santana snaps as she grabs her coat and turns to leave.

"Where are you going?" Quinn asks her but the brunette doesn't reply as she closes the door loudly behind her.

…

"Tonight I'm going with Mercedes and the others to this new bar that opened last week, you wanna join?" Artie asks as Brittany rolls him towards the exit of the building they work at.

"Sure." Brittany shrugs. She thinks she could use some alcohol in her blood as she does her best to _not _think about Santana.

_Don't think about Santana. Don't think about Santana. Don't think about Santana._

Well, when she thinks that she shouldn't think of her, then she technically thinks about her. She rolls her eyes at herself when she realizes that she's driving her own mind crazy. She doesn't care about Santana, she _shouldn't _care. She should just go back to her life. It's for the best, anyway. For both of them.

That's why she blinks in surprise when the automatic doors of the entrance open and she sees Santana standing there, looking _really _angry. Until their eyes meet. Then Santana's face breaks into a smile.

"There they are! Look at them, so fucking cute. Such a perfect couple!" She says as she steps closer to them and she couldn't be more sarcastic even if she tried. And that comes from her.

"Santana." Brittany frowns at her but Santana turns her glare towards Artie as they roll closer.

"Brittany?" Artie turns to look at her questioningly and she sighs as she steps next to him and next to Santana as well. He obviously had no idea that she talked with Santana again.

"Oh, didn't your girlfriend tell you that I'm back?" Santana asks as she puts her hands in her coat's pockets and looks between them. "Don't worry, I'm not staying for long." She says dismissively, like it's the last thing she ever tells Artie, before returning her glare towards Brittany. "First of all, you fucking lied to me. And second of all, this is disgusting!" She snaps as she points at Artie.

"Alright, you need to calm down." Brittany says pointedly. Quinn obviously told Santana that she lives with Artie and Santana took it the wrong way. "You really don't want to make a scene here." She warns. They're standing in front of the main offices of one of the biggest celebrity gossip magazines in New York. Santana isn't a celebrity yet but she's slowly becoming one, although she doesn't know it. Brittany knows it though and so she knows that this is the last place Santana should make a scene at. But Brittany knows her too well, and she knows that the brunette won't calm down any time soon. It's good that there's too much traffic though, so no one can really hear her being so angry.

"I don't give a fuck. You know, it was funny how you went on and on about me leaving you and hurting you and now this. You being with someone who thinks our relationship was a silly infatuation of yours with your girl best friend, is like _you _think that. It's like _you _erasing what we had, like it meant fucking nothing to you. I don't give a fuck anymore, Brittany."

"Santana, you're wrong. It's not like that." The blonde tries to explain but Artie speaks up.

"Who do you think you are, Santana? You need to stop talking because you have no idea what you're even saying. You don't even have a place here. Go away and leave Brittany alone." Artie frowns angrily at the brunette, which makes Brittany sigh. She doesn't want any fights.

"You stay out of this, it doesn't concern you!" Santana snaps at him.

"It does concern me when you're hurting her!"

"Oh, explain that to me, please." Santana says sarcastically as she crosses her arms in front of her chest and looks at Artie expectantly. "How am I hurting her?"

"Just go away. The days when you could do whatever you wanted with her are over. She isn't your toy to play with and leave whenever you want."

"That's your boy, Britt-Britt." Santana smiles at her, like she just proved her point. "Your boyfriend who thinks that I'm a manipulative bitch and that you are stupid enough to let me do whatever I want."

"Santana, he didn't mean it like that." Brittany sighs and runs a hand through her hair.

"You want to be with someone who doesn't accept your sexuality, who thinks that you're a straight girl that sometimes has sex with girls like a slut, then fine. Be with him. But don't accuse me of hurting you because what you're doing is much, _much _worse!" Santana tries to make her voice come out strong but it wavers. She feels extremely vulnerable in front of them, but it's still Brittany and she's still the only one who can pick up on that fact. She still wills the tears away though, because it's not worth it. This hurts her more than she could ever imagine.

"I'm not with him." Brittany defends but Santana ignores her.

"There he is, go sit on his lap." She mumbles as she turns to leave. But then she turns back again. "Oh wait, you want us to make out first to get him hard. It wouldn't be the first time and that's the whole purpose of us being together. Right, Artie?" She shrugs. It hurts to say it and she doesn't really mean it but she's beyond angry. And although it shouldn't be an excuse, it's still easier than dealing with the truth.

"That's enough, Santana." Brittany frowns at her and gently pushes her away. "Artie, go home. Santana and I need to talk."

"I don't want to talk to you." Santana protests but doesn't put up much of a fight as Brittany ignores her and drags her to that small coffee shop down the street. They _definitely _need to talk.

…

She holds her head in her hands and stares at the wall opposite her as she bounces her leg up and down nervously and tries desperately to calm herself. She's glad that there's only another couple sitting at the other side of this small coffee shop, she really doesn't need people around her right now. They will just irritate her more.

"It's decaf." Brittany says pointedly and places a cup of coffee in front of her, effectively making Santana roll her eyes because the blonde's message is clear. She wants Santana to calm down. "So…" Brittany trails off as she sits opposite her and blocks the staring contest she had with the brown wall. Well, Santana thinks that Brittany is a more beautiful view. But then she chuckles, effectively confusing the blonde. "What's funny?"

"I just thought that your dad must be so proud of you that you found a_ boy_ to fall in love with, isn't he?" Santana asks but speaks up again before Brittany can even react. "No wait, let me rephrase that. He must be so proud of you that you found a _white boy _to fall in love with."

"Santana, don't go there." Brittany says warningly but Santana just shrugs. _Things can't get worse anyway_, she thinks.

"Just don't hide behind your finger. It's not a secret that he hated me not only because of my gender but because of my race too. But Artie has a dick and he's white, so he's probably he's favorite." Santana says and takes a sip of her coffee, pretending that it doesn't bother her.

"Ok. First of all, Artie and I are _not_ together. And second, I wouldn't know how my dad feels…" Brittany trails off as she looks down at her own cup of coffee.

"Why?" Santana asks, although she isn't sure if she should ask. But Brittany doesn't seem to get defensive or anything.

"I haven't seen him in years. My parents got a divorce, San. My mom divorced my dad and then her, Olivia and I moved here."

"She divorced him?" Santana shouldn't be that shocked. She remembers Susan being unhappy, in a really bad marriage. She never showed or said anything in front of Santana, she was always really teasing and happy. But she knows that she had problems with her husband, Brittany's father, because she heard her talking with her mother. She doesn't like that man.

Brittany sighs as she looks up at Santana again, who realizes Brittany's change of mood, and she knows that she's about to tell her something serious.

"He was hitting my mom, you know." She says quietly as her fingers start playing nervously around the cup. She knows that things with Santana aren't that good at the moment, but it's still Santana, still her best friend, and she still trusts her the most to tell her this. Something that no one else really knows. "I didn't know until we moved here. Because he never did it in front of us, not even when we were home. And she wasn't saying anything as long as he was hurting just her. But then one time he tried to hurt me too. And it was all it took for my mom to like, snap out of it and leave him."

Santana is the definition of _shocked _at the moment. She never liked that man, her feelings towards him always bordered to hatred. But she never gave him the time of day to feel anything, really. But now? Now she can't hate him more, not only because he hurt Susan, but also because he tried hurting Brittany too.

"He hurt you?" Santana whispers, almost like she doesn't want to know the answer, but she wants to make sure.

"No, he didn't." Brittany answers reassuringly, relieving Santana. But the hatred is still there.

"I'm sorry." She says then, making Brittany smile softly at her which makes her heart jump inside her chest. That's the effect Brittany has on her. But the blonde doesn't say anything, which causes them to fall in a silence.

Santana looks around the small coffee shop before returning her eyes on those piercing blue ones, to notice that Brittany is studying her face. It makes her shift uncomfortably on her chair as she leans back so she won't be leaning on the table anymore.

"What?" She finally asks. The more time she gives Brittany to study her, the more the blonde will figure out about her.

Brittany slowly licks her lips, debating whether to tell Santana the truth or not. But she thinks that there's nothing else left to do between them, she wants to tell her how she feels. That's why they came here in the first place.

"You know, I shouldn't be sitting here and trying to explain myself."

"_You_ wanted to talk!" Santana immediately defends.

"That's because I don't want you to believe all those things that you said earlier." Brittany answers calmly, not fazed by Santana's defensive attitude at all. "Artie isn't like that anymore, anyway."

"Oh come on! He hates my guts, it's obvious even to cats." Santana mumbles bitterly. Not that she likes him or anything. She just doesn't understand why Brittany does.

"Yeah, it's true." Brittany nods and shrugs, making Santana frown disapprovingly.

"Oh, ok then. If you two hate me so much then why the fuck am I sitting here?" Santana asks irritated.

"But he doesn't hate you because he thinks you're a manipulative bitch, San." Brittany continues, completely ignoring what Santana said. "He doesn't think that I'm a straight girl who happened to be infatuated with her best friend for a couple of years. If he thought like that, he wouldn't say anything to you. But he defended me because he knows how much you mean to me and how easily you can break me again if I let you." Brittany's voice is soft while she talks, and it makes it harder for Santana to not start crying like a baby. "But I'm not gonna do that."

"Britt." Santana sighs. She really wants to reach forward and take Brittany's hand in hers, so she clasps her own together in front of her, a move that doesn't go unnoticed by the blonde. "I wouldn't do that. I don't want to hurt you, I never did." Her voice is almost desperate, because she wants Brittany to know that.

"Why did you leave then?" Brittany asks quietly.

"Because that's what you wanted." Santana immediately replies, like that answer is rehearsed. Like she convinced herself that this is what she has to say when she's being asked. "You wanted me to, just admit it."

"I didn't want that." Brittany sighs, because Santana seems to really believe that. The brunette sighs too and rubs her face with her hands. She leans her elbows on the table in front of her and stays hidden in her hands for long moments. But when Brittany notices her shaking, she reaches over and takes her upper arm and tugs her hand away from Santana's face. "San? Why are you crying?"

"I'm not. I'm so sorry, Britt." Santana sniffles as she stands up and sends the blonde a forced smile. Brittany pouts because she wants to cry too whenever she sees Santana like that, even though she doesn't understand what's going on. "I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna…" She trails off and gestures towards the restroom and Brittany nods at her, still confused. "Please, don't leave!" Santana says before turning to leave but then turns back to make sure that Brittany is still there, like she could disappear in that millisecond, before turning to go to the restroom.

She sighs as she goes to stand in front of the sink, and does her best to avoid seeing her own face in the mirror in front of her. It always makes her cry more so she just focuses on washing her face to get over her upset state.

"What the fuck am I doing?" She whispers to herself. She should be out there, apologizing to that angel, to the love of her life. But she's here instead, doing what? She thinks that she can't handle seeing the blonde though, because she can't handle the thought of hurting her for apparently no reason. She was convinced until now that she did the right thing back then, leaving Lima and Brittany, but now she has doubts. And those doubts are killing her.

"Santana." She turns around when she hears Brittany's soft voice and sighs at her worried face as she grabs a towel to dry her hands. "Do you want to talk to me?" Brittany asks as she goes to stand right in front of the brunette, trapping her between her body and the sink.

"Uh…N-no, not really." Santana mumbles as she completely avoids Brittany's eyes. The blonde is too close right now, and her scent and warmth are making Santana dizzy.

"Come on." Brittany urges her as her hands go on the brunette's slim waist, and Santana is sure that Brittany can feel her fast heartbeats inside her chest as her hands go over her ribcage.

"Britt." Santana swallows thickly and throws away the towel before nervously rubs her forehead. "What are you doing?" She asks then as she desperately tries to find a place to put her hands on. For now she just lets them fall awkwardly by her sides.

"I want you to tell me what you're thinking." Brittany shrugs and Santana bites her bottom lip, thinking about it for a few seconds.

"Well, I'm thinking that if I could I would take time back and make everything right, you know? Everything would be right, we would still be together because that's what's supposed to be happening between us. Like, the accident shouldn't happen in the first place. That was the start of the end and I'm sorry about that. I'm just so, _so _sorry. I really am. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'm sorry for the accident and Juilliard and your parents and me leaving and now. I'm sorry about everything."

"San…" Brittany says and bites her bottom lip as she studies Santana's face while the brunette still looks away from her. She doesn't want her apologizing about the accident or her parents. She isn't even really sure if she wants her apologizing for leaving. She just wants to understand and get over it.

"I love you, Britt." Santana says and it doesn't surprise either of them. But it still makes Brittany's heart skip a beat and it wakes the butterflies in her stomach. Because it's been _too long _since the last time she heard _that _voice saying _those _words. "I never stopped loving you. And I never wanted to hurt you like that. I wouldn't do that if I didn't think that it was the right thing to do. And I know I should've talked to you before. I know. But that just seemed easier, you know? Besides, I was _convinced _that you didn't want to talk. You didn't, you have to admit that."

"Ok." Brittany nods whispering, still trying to process what Santana says. "And I'm sorry too. For everything. It's not just your fault, you know. I was horrible to you and I understand that."

"Yeah…" Santana trails off as she finally turns to make eye-contact with the blonde again. "It wasn't easy for me either, you know. Leaving was probably the hardest and worst think I could do. I really hope you don't hate me for that, Britt. Please, I can't stand that thought."

"No." Brittany shakes her head and slowly licks her lips as her eyes drop to Santana's lips. "I can never hate you, San. I love you, you know that. I'm just scared to tell you." It would sound funny to anyone else because Brittany tells her that she loves her and then she tells her that she's scared to tell her that she loves her. But Santana gets it. She understands how Brittany thinks. Brittany loves her and she knows that she can't hide that from Santana. But she also knows that Brittany is scared to be with her again. Santana is scared too. This is too big for them to handle.

"Britt." Santana swallows thickly when those blue eyes remain on her lips and the blonde sighs as her arms slide around the brunette's slim waist and brings her in for a hug, feeling kind of proud of herself that she managed to not kiss those lips.

"Friends hug each other." Brittany mumbles and Santana sighs as she reluctantly brings her arms up around the blonde's neck and hugs her back, not sure why Brittany is being so accepting. Well, she isn't that accepting when she insists that they have to be friends, but she just told her that she loves her, so…She will take it, because she wants to have the blonde in her life in one way or another, no matter how much it hurts to pretend that Brittany is just her friend. It's like their junior year all over again. And both times it was because of her.

"Yeah, friends hug each other."

…

Santana knocks on Quinn's apartment's door and then puts her hands in her coats pockets as she waits for her blonde friend to open the door.

"San?" Quinn frowns questioningly when she sees her, because it's late and because usually Santana comes here when she isn't ok.

"Is Puck here?" The brunette asks as she looks over Quinn's shoulder but doesn't see anything.

"Uh, yes."

"Well, ok. I want my mom but I can't go back to Lima now because I have to get to work in the morning, but can I sleep on your couch? You won't even know I'm here, I promise." Santana whispers because she doesn't want Puck listening to her and Quinn sighs. It's not like Santana caring if she's bothering anyone, so it only confirms to her that her friend isn't ok.

"Come on in." She steps to the side and lets her come in before closing the door. "I'll just get you a pillow and a blanket." Quinn says before disappearing down the hall and Santana turns to go in the living room to find Puck sitting on the couch.

"You're sitting on my bed." She says bitterly as she takes off her coat, making Puck turn to her and narrow his eyes.

"What are you doing here?"

"Just stand up." She mumbles as she pulls him up from the couch and then takes off her shoes and falls on it, face first on the cushions. "Cover me." She says then and gestures towards her coat and Puck rolls his eyes as she takes her coat and throws it over her. "Why are you looking at me like that, am I cockblocking you or something?" She asks when she notices Puck's glare.

"Do you _not _know Quinn?" He wonders but the brunette just shrugs.

"I don't want to know about your sex life, Puckerman." She mumbles as she turns on her side and hugs a throw pillow.

"Well, there isn't one to know about." Puck mumbles, making Santana laugh.

"Ah thanks, I needed that." She sighs as her laughter dies down just in time for Quinn to come back.

"Here." She says as she takes the coat away and covers Santana with a blanket and gives her the pillow too.

"So, I guess I have to go now." Puck mumbles.

"Don't, Puck. I'm just gonna sleep." Santana shrugs as she brings the blanket over her shoulder and shifts to get comfortable. She closes her eyes with a deep exhale as she finally feels sleep catch up on her. But a hand on her shoulder makes her open her eyes again to see Quinn sitting on the couch and looking at her worriedly. She sighs because she doesn't have energy to get defensive with Quinn right now.

"Puck left." Quinn informs her, which makes Santana wonder when all of that happened. She must be really tired. "Do you want me to pretend that I'm Maribel?" Quinn asks, making a small smile take over Santana's face as she nods. "What happened, _mija_?" Quinn says then, causing the brunette to snort at her friend's imitation of her mother.

"Brittany and I are ok." She says then, making her friend smile. "We're friends." She adds for clarification and Quinn nods in understanding, prompting her to continue. "I said I'm sorry, she said she's sorry and now we're friends. I still think it was more my fault than hers and I think she knows it too because I want her back but she doesn't want me too. I mean maybe she does but she doesn't want to want to." Santana mumbles and she thinks that she doesn't even make any sense to herself. "Well, the point is that we love each other but we're not together because she doesn't trust me that I won't leave her again. I mean she didn't say it but I know it. I wouldn't leave her ever again but I understand why she feels like that."

"Maybe you should try to be friends first, you know catch up with each other before jumping into a relationship. A relationship between you two is never simple, San. Give her time but don't forget that you need your time too. You got hurt too. She hurt you too." Quinn reminds softly and Santana bites her bottom lip and nods slowly.

"I just love her so much." Santana lets out as her eyes fill with tears.

"I know you do, honey. And as Maribel would say 'Everything will eventually be as it should be, Santanita. Be patient.'"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

A.N.: Santana is talking about the accident in this chapter, it's just a mention, not very graphic, but I still think I should warn you just in case it triggers anyone. Also, a clarification concerning some reviews: both Brittany and Santana are at fault and both of them are hurt. No one's chasing anyone and no one is more hurt than the other. So anyway, thank you for your favorites, follows and reviews :) Here's the next chapter!

* * *

><p><em>Two weeks later;<em>

"_I swear you guys, every time I say that I'll answer your questions, you make it the goal of your life to ask me the most inappropriate ones. I think Puck has something to do with this._" Santana chuckles her throaty laugh, waking the butterflies in Brittany's stomach. Santana has the best laugh ever. Brittany loves that sound, it makes her smile because it means that the brunette is in a good mood. And that's always good. _"So, am I in love at the moment? Well…_" Santana trails off as Brittany opens her eyes wide, like that will make the playful humming that the brunette is letting out right now, transform to an answer. "_I'm in love with myself, that's for sure._" She chuckles again, avoiding a direct answer and making Brittany roll her eyes. "_I'm just happy to say that I have the best friends and now I'm focusing on them._" It shouldn't be, but if you ask Brittany, that's the best answer Santana can give with that soft but still raspy voice of hers.

Almost every night for the past two weeks, they've been spending it in Santana's apartment, watching the TV show 'Friends' like they used to do in high school. Just the two of them. It makes Brittany feel like she has her best friend back, something she never thought of happening and something she can't be happier about. And so she's glad that Santana feels the same way. They _are _friends after all, they're not just pretending.

Although it's hard sometimes, because Brittany really does want to grab that slim waist and bring Santana's body against hers while crushing her lips against the brunette's full and perfect ones. Because she wants to make beautiful sounds come out of her again. To taste her again. All of her. Over and over again. But thankfully, Santana's voice brings her out of her rapidly increasing heated thoughts and she blinks a couple of times and swallows thickly as she concentrates back to _that _voice.

"_You know how sometimes a song sticks in your head and you can't help but sing it under your breath? Well, it's happening to me and I'll leave you with that song. The last morning dedication for today goes out to everybody who can't get the Friends' theme song out of their head. Or maybe that's just me. Anyway, I'm the one choosing the songs and I'm in the mood for it, so…until tomorrow._"

When Santana's playful voice fades away, 'I'll be there for you' starts playing, making Brittany smile the biggest and she hasn't even really woken up yet. But it's because, no matter how hard you try, you can't convince her that Santana is not thinking about her too right now.

"There she is!" Olivia exclaims excitedly but still mockingly, as she enters her bedroom and finds Brittany in her bed. The older blonde startles only a little bit because she has her headphones in her ears which are still playing the Friends' theme song. She rolls her eyes at her sister as she takes them out and turns off the radio on her phone. "For a moment, I genuinely thought that you would sleep at your own apartment this time." Olivia chuckles, making it clear that she's mocking Brittany.

"Did mom finally buy you that sense of humour you've always wanted?" She wonders sarcastically, causing the younger blonde to roll her eyes. "And why are you awake? It's so early, like 8 a.m."

"That's early for you?" Olivia wonders and Brittany nods like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Well, I didn't sleep actually." Olivia adds shrugging.

"Why?"

"I forgot." She shrugs again, making Brittany narrow her eyes at her sister as she turns on her side to look at her better.

"You forgot to sleep?" She asks for clarification and the younger blonde nods as she turns to go to her desk, where she has literally twenty books open. "Does mom know you 'forgot'?" Brittany asks. She knows that Olivia didn't forget. She never forgets anything.

"No, and it will remain that way."

"Maybe it will, maybe it won't." Brittany shrugs and smirks at her sister who turns to narrow her eyes at her. "I get that you have to study and stuff but you also have to sleep. And eat."

"You're in my bed!" Olivia exclaims defensively, like that is an excuse for anything.

"When was the last time you slept on this bed?" Brittany asks and chuckles when the younger blonde stares really hard at the wall, like she's trying to remember. "Never." Brittany offers.

"It doesn't matter, ok?"

"Ok, I'm sorry." Brittany apologizes, but she doesn't know what for. It seems to satisfy her sister though. "Why do you always sleep on the couch anyways?"

"You don't want to know." Olivia says dismissively and Brittany nods. She's pretty sure it has something to do with her sister's 'study zones'. In other words, where she feels more comfortable studying certain subjects. As Olivia says, Brittany doesn't want to know. "So, what's up? Are you ok?"

"Yup, just my back hurts. Like a lot." Brittany sighs and her sister sighs too as she goes to lie beside the taller blonde, both of them turning to look at the ceiling.

"And because 'your back hurts like a lot', you decided to sleep in my bed for the sixth time in the last ten days?"

"Yup." Brittany shrugs, making the younger blonde roll her eyes, obviously not believing her.

"Why are you here, Britt? Did Santana tell you that she doesn't like it that you live with Artie, so you sleep here instead?"

"No, she didn't tell me but that's what she's thinking, I know it. But that's not why I'm here anyway."

"Why are you here then?"

"This mattress is better and my back hurts, so…" Brittany shifts on the bed to make her point but her sister just snorts.

"Are you sure it's not because Santana doesn't like the fact that you're living with Artie and deep down you don't like it either and you feel bad doing it?" She asks knowingly.

"Just because Santana's back in my life, doesn't mean that I'm gonna turn it upside down and move out of my apartment." Brittany says defensively but she isn't sure if she convinces even her own self.

"Yet here you are." Olivia answers pointedly, making Brittany huff and roll her eyes.

"Look, this mattress is just better, ok? It doesn't make my back hurt so much."

"You know, the number of times you use your back as an excuse to not do what you really want to do, is insane!" Olivia exclaims.

"What does that even mean?" Brittany demands as she turns to look at her sister who is still staring at the ceiling.

"Nothing." The younger blonde shakes her head, thinking that this isn't the right time to talk about the giant not-dancing elephant in the room that everybody avoids talking about for ages. "Look, I'm just saying that you're giving Santana what she wants even if it's consciously or subconsciously."

"She doesn't even know that I'm here, so I'm giving her nothing." Brittany whispers.

"It still makes _you _feel better." Olivia shrugs, making Brittany groan.

"We're just friends! I'm not supposed to give her anything."

"Well, whatever helps you sleep at night." The younger sister mumbles as she gets up from the bed. "So, tell me. Aren't I the best sister ever, waiting for Santana's show to end before coming in here? I didn't want to interrupt you while you were listening to every single word she was saying and wondering if it was about you or not."

"I don't do that." Brittany frowns, making her sister sigh once again.

"This isn't you, you know. You always knew what you wanted and you were always going for it. But for the last five minutes, or actually since Santana has been back, all you've been doing is denying everything you know is true. And it makes me sad because it's not like you to do that and because I always looked up at you. But I think I'll stop doing that now because I don't want to close my eyes and pretend that my one true love isn't standing in front of me, waiting to forgive and be forgiven." Olivia tells her sister in all her seriousness, making Brittany arch her eyebrows in surprise at her sister's rant, but also swallow thickly because maybe she's kind of right. "And yes, I have real feelings too." The younger blonde adds defensively.

"I know you do." Brittany whispers and Olivia sighs and nods as she turns to leave the room. "Wait." Brittany says to stop her sister and, with some difficulty, she sits up on the bed as her sister turns around again. "Come back here." She pats the spot next to her and the younger blonde hums and reluctantly makes her way back to Brittany. "You're right. I admit that _maybe _Santana is the reason I'm sleeping here sometimes." She mumbles, causing her sister to look at her pointedly. "Fine. She _is _the reason I'm here now and probably continue to be for some time."

"That's better." The younger blonde nods as she sits next to her sister.

"But Santana and I are just friends now and we're doing ok." Brittany says softly. She can tell that her sister doesn't like the fact at all. "And ok, I'll be honest. I never thought that living with Artie would bother me or anyone else because I never even had a serious relationship after Santana. But now she's back and I wasn't expecting that living with him would be a problem for me. It shouldn't be, but it is."

"Why aren't you telling her that you sleep here though?" Olivia asks and Brittany shrugs.

"I'm not sleeping here every night, I'm not supposed to live here. But I'm so confused, I feel like a stranger in my own house just because Santana is back in my life. She's always made me feel like that, you know. Making me question everything I thought and knew and believed. Sometimes I loved it, it was challenging. But other times, like now, it's confusing me so much. I don't know. I just want to see how things go before telling her."

"Do you mean that you might not get back together?" Olivia asks sadly, making Brittany sigh.

"I don't know. At the moment, I can't see how it can happen without one of us or both of us getting hurt again. Everything's so blurry, but I'm sure we'll figure it out." She forces a reassuring smile which definitely does not fool Olivia. "I just hope we do that before I jump her, that won't help at all."

"That wasn't really necessary." Olivia cringes.

"Oh, it was." Brittany says teasingly with wide eyes, making her sister roll her eyes. "For now we're good, everything's gonna be fine. I promise." She adds softly as she nudges her sister's shoulder, making the younger blonde nod slowly, although she isn't so sure herself. "How come you know so much stuff?"

"I read a lot." Olivia shrugs and Brittany chuckles and nods.

"So, what's up with you?" Brittany asks then.

"I'm still a virgin." Olivia says like she's talking about the weather, catching Brittany off guard.

"Uh…that's the most interesting thing about you?"

"Well, to people like you, yes apparently."

"What do you mean 'people like me'?" Brittany asks in a high-pitched voice, obviously offended.

"People who think that sex is the most important thing in life."

"Why do you keep telling me that? I'm not like that! I haven't had sex in like…" Brittany trails off, trying to remember.

"Please don't." Olivia cringes. "I'm just kidding."

"Three months." Brittany says, ignoring her sister because she kind of likes making her uncomfortable.

"Look, I'm just saying that the friends I don't really have only talk to me about that lately, so…"

"It's none of their business!" Brittany exclaims exasperated, making her sister chuckle. "That's bullying, you know. How did stupid people like that get in the same course as you?"

"The point isn't to get in. The point is to get out with a degree." Olivia shrugs. "And it doesn't bother me. I don't pay much attention to them, I'm fine. They're really immature for me. I prefer spending time with you because you're older."

"Oh, that's why you're always coming with me when I go out?" Brittany asks sarcastically.

"Hey, look. Just because I prefer hanging out with you instead of them, doesn't mean that I like going out. Or hanging out with anyone for that matter." She rolls her eyes, making Brittany roll hers too.

"Olivia, I'm serious. Are they bothering you?"

"No, I'm fine. I promise. I'll tell you if they will." She says seriously. Brittany studies her face for a few seconds and when she feels confident that her sister is being genuine, she nods her agreement.

"Ok." She kisses her sister's temple before standing up. "Now I have to get to work."

…

Brittany is sitting alone in the photo studio, and editing some photos on her laptop. The truth is that she doesn't know why she even bothers putting all this effort in her work, since she knows that her boss will find something to disapprove anyway. She does that on purpose.

But then she remembers that nobody really likes their boss, effectively making herself sit up a little straighter on the chair and focus on doing her job flawlessly. She shifts a little to get comfortable but it seems that lately nothing can make the throbbing on her back muscles go away. And her work makes it so much harder. She sucks it up though, and continues on her work.

After a few minutes she hears someone entering the studio and she turns behind her to see her boss coming in. She sighs, knowing that it can't be good that her boss came to find her instead of calling her in her office. Well, she's not exactly her boss, she's her boss's boss which is worse.

"Brittany." The older woman acknowledges.

"Mrs. Larson." The blonde answers in the same tone and she waits for it.

"Where is everybody?" She asks as she puts her hands in her power suit's pockets and looks around the empty studio.

"There isn't a photo shoot today." Brittany informs her.

"Why not? What about next week's issue?"

"That's on Friday." Brittany shrugs. She wants to turn in front of her again and continue on her work but her boss doesn't seem like she will stop this conversation any time soon.

"Friday? That's three days away." Mrs. Larson says disapprovingly.

"You approved the schedule twice." Brittany says pointedly and not amused at all, making her boss hum and nod like she knew it already but was just checking if Brittany knew it too.

"So, Brittany…" She trails off as she goes next to her to lean back on the desk, making the blonde turn in front of her to face her boss again. "Where are you from again?"

"Lima, Ohio." Brittany answers slowly and side-eyes her boss, not sure why she wants to know. It certainly isn't for a good reason, Brittany can tell.

"Lima, yes." The older woman nods, like she knew it but now confirms it. "And are you in a relationship at the moment?" She asks then, taking Brittany by surprise.

"What does that have to do with my work?"

"Nothing, I'm just asking." The older woman shrugs and then looks at Brittany expectantly, clearly waiting for her answer.

"I'm pretty sure I don't have to answer that." She mumbles.

"No, of course you don't have to." Mrs. Larson smiles at her but it's not genuine. It's more intimidating than anything. "But everybody wants to have a good relationship with their boss." She adds pointedly, making it clear that these two definitely do _not _have a good relationship but she also means that Brittany should act like they do if she wants her job. It's not a secret that Mrs. Larson is looking for a reason to fire her anyway.

"Yes, of course." Brittany forces a smile back. "No, I'm not in a relationship." She answers her boss's question, because she wants her job.

"With neither a man nor a woman?" Mrs. Larson insists. Brittany wonders how her boss even knows that she's bisexual. Not that she hides it or anything, but it's not like Mrs. Larson has any friends around here to find out about it. It only means that her boss is up to something.

"No relationship means no relationship." Brittany shakes her head at the same time that her phone buzzes on the desk behind her boss. But both of them ignore it.

"Are you sure you're single?"

"I think I'd know if I was in a relationship." Brittany answers almost irritated, not knowing what all of this means. She knows how her boss works and how she works is that behind everything she does, there's a purpose. She isn't just having a casual conversation with Brittany, and that's what annoys the blonde.

"Fine then." Mrs. Larson shrugs, a clear sign that she doesn't believe the blonde, which only irritates Brittany more. But she does her best to hide it as she watches her boss stand straight again and move to leave. "Go back to work." She says over her shoulder before disappearing, making Brittany roll her eyes and turn to her work again. She definitely doesn't like her.

But then she remembers her phone buzzing earlier and she takes it to open the text.

**From Santana: Were you at my apartment last night?**

Brittany smiles confused because she isn't sure if Santana is being adorable or if she was actually drunk last night. What she knows is that with just a silly text, Santana makes her irritation completely go away.

She presses the button to call her, chuckling to herself when she remembers Santana saying that when she texts someone, she wants them to reply with a text and when she calls someone she wants them to call back. Not call when Santana texts or text back when Santana calls. So, maybe Brittany calls her on purpose to annoy the brunette. Or maybe because she really wants to hear her voice again.

"_Yes._" She hears that sound that always makes her heart skip a beat.

"How drunk are you?" Brittany asks and actually shivers at Santana's chuckle.

"_I'm not drunk. I just woke up today and you weren't there and I thought that maybe I dreamt about it._" Santana says softly, confirming Brittany's suspicions that she's just being adorable. But she can't bring herself to swoon over it because she feels bad that Santana had to wake up like that.

"Last night you woke up and went to bed by yourself, San. You even told me goodnight." Brittany answers. She actually woke Santana herself. She wouldn't if she could actually lift her from the couch and take her to bed like she used to do back then. But now if she tries to lift Santana, they will both fall on the ground. It makes Brittany pout because she realizes once again how much her life has changed.

"_I don't remember that._" Santana mumbles, effectively bringing the smile back on Brittany's face.

"You were really tired." She comments. "No 'Friends' tonight then, you need to sleep early because you have a morning show to do."

"_But wait, no! We have to find out what happens next. We left it where Ross says Rachel instead of Emily at his wedding._"

"Oh yeah, we have to find out what happens next…" Brittany trails off. It's not like they watched all seasons a thousand times by now and it's not like they find lame excuses to spend their nights together without doing stuff that friends don't do.

"_Yeah, we have to! So, I'll see you tonight. Go back to work now._" Santana says in one breath, like she's afraid that Brittany is going to change her mind.

"Ok then. Bye!"

"_Bye._" Santana says, and Brittany can hear in her voice how happy she is that the blonde agreed to meet tonight again. Well, Brittany is happy too.

…

"Why?"

"Because."

"I don't get it."

"That's just how it is, Britt."

"But why?"

"I don't know!" Santana sighs.

"Then why would you say it?" Brittany asks with the same tone, making Santana roll her eyes.

"Because Susan and Phoebe are both quirky and have no filter and aren't scared to show or say what they think and feel and you and your mom are so much alike. So, you and Phoebe are practically the same person." Santana shrugs where she's sitting cross-legged on the couch, behind the blonde who is sitting on the floor, leaning back on the couch and allowing Santana to start that complicated braid on her hair for the thirteenth time now. Brittany is counting.

She doesn't protest though. She just sits there and basks in this familiar feeling that is Santana giving her her full attention. She loves it and she wouldn't trade it for the world. That's why she does her best to not let it be shown that sitting on the floor is making her uncomfortable. Her back is killing her today.

"That thought is almost disturbing." Brittany says as she looks at the TV, where Santana has paused a Friend's episode and Phoebe's face is on the screen. "Honestly, the only similarity that I find is our blonde hair."

"It's not only that."

"I think it is."

"Well, whatever. Phoebe is still you and your mom, so…" Santana shrugs again.

"Whatever." Brittany shrugs too.

They stay like that for a while, the only thing you can hear in the room is Santana's whining and tongue clicking every time the 'complicated' braid isn't turning out how she wants to, amusing the blonde.

"I can't do this fucking braid. I give up." Santana sighs frustrated after a while as she combs her fingers through Brittany's hair to straighten it out again.

"It's ok, it's the effort that counts." Brittany teases as she leans her head back on Santana's legs to look at her upside down.

"You look like a monkey." Santana chuckles as her eyes wander around Brittany's face and inevitably settle in the blue of her eyes. She's just so beautiful, even though Santana is looking at her upside down.

"Like a hot monkey?" Brittany asks.

"I don't know what a hot monkey is supposed to look like…" Santana trails off as her hands continue to play with Brittany's hair, just because she knows that the blonde likes it.

"Well, what about cute?"

"Oh yeah, super cute!" Santana nods with wide eyes and then smiles at Brittany's blushing cheeks. She leans down to kiss her forehead before straightening up again.

Maybe they're being too touchy and flirty for friends, but the truth is that they've always been like this, even back then when they truly were just friends. It's just how they are, the physical contact is much more powerful than the words they could exchange. It's like Santana is telling Brittany that she's here again, and this time Brittany is letting her be.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Santana asks then.

"Uh, sure." Brittany says slowly, realizing Santana's change of mood, as she turns sideways so she can look at the brunette.

"Do you miss your dad?" The question takes Brittany by surprise and she blinks a couple of times before getting back her composure and hugs her knees against her chest as she thinks about it for a few seconds.

"I don't think I miss _him. _Just the idea of him, you know?" She finally says and Santana nods in understanding. "Not that my mom was doing a lousy job at taking care of us because she was the best mom ever. She still is. Fine, maybe Maribel is ok too." She smiles, making Santana smile too. "The truth is that he was never there, anyway. I mean he was but he wasn't and so I didn't actually miss him after we left him because it was always only my mom. I don't know if that makes any sense."

"Yeah, I understand." Santana nods slowly.

"Why do you ask?" Brittany asks then, making Santana sigh and bite her bottom lip as her hands start playing nervously on her lap.

"I just wanted to know how you feel about him before telling you this." She says quietly. Brittany hums questioningly as she places one hand over both of Santana's to stop her nervous movements. It's a pretty bad habit. "He wanted me to leave, Britt." Santana says then and continues when the blonde looks at her questioningly. "Your dad, he told me to leave. He wanted me gone. Back then I thought that he was right, you know? Like he was right that you didn't want me anymore. Like it would really be for the best to leave but now I realize that I shouldn't have done that and I'm so sorry."

"Wait, wait, wait." Brittany shakes her head and then frowns. "My dad…_he _told you to leave?"

"Yeah…" Santana trails off.

"_He _made you leave?" Brittany chuckles humorlessly.

"Well, he didn't _make _me…"

"Oh my god." Brittany whispers to herself and runs a hand through her blonde hair, not really being able to believe it.

"I mean, is it that surprising, Britt? I think it was pretty obvious that he didn't like me."

"Well, still!" Brittany exclaims as she gets up on her knees and turns to fully face the brunette. "I thought that he was just indifferent, you know? That he just didn't care. But this? Doing this is not him being indifferent, it's him being mean!"

"Britt." Santana tries to calm her down but the blonde ignores her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asks.

"I just did." Santana shrugs, making the blonde arch an eyebrow at her. "Look, I just didn't want you to make a big deal out of it. Besides, what was I supposed to say? It wasn't _his _fault that I left, it was my decision and I'm not gonna blame him like a pussy." She rolls her eyes at herself, which makes the blonde roll her eyes too. Brittany knows that a hurt teenager is the easiest target to manipulate. And apparently, her father knew it too. And Santana was, and still is, hurt.

"Santana, I'm so sorry." Brittany whispers.

"Hey, it's ok. Don't apologize for him." Santana whispers softly as both of her hands go through Brittany's blonde hair, effectively exposing her angelic face that holds an upset expression.

"Don't apologize either." Brittany shrugs.

"I just feel like, by leaving, I gave him what he wanted, you know?"

"No." Brittany shakes her head. "I feel like _I _gave him what he wanted. Like I gave him the chance, the opportunity to convince you to do that and I'm sorry." She sighs as she leans forward and rests her forehead against the brunette's mouth, who kisses her there reassuringly before pulling back. "He's not even here and he still finds ways to be hurtful."

"Look, it doesn't matter now, right? We're here right now and that's what matters. And I think we're doing ok being friends and all."

"We're doing great!" Brittany immediately corrects, making the brunette smile.

"I just missed this so much, it feels good to have you back in my life." Santana says softly as her arms go around Brittany's neck, bringing her in for a tight hug. "You really are my best friend." Santana tells her with her still soft voice, making Brittany shiver.

"Yeah, me too." She answers as she squeezes the brunette's waist, making Santana chuckle as she pulls back from the hug.

"You know, on that same note, we should also forget about that photo of you and Artie that you've been telling me to send you for the last two weeks. Or even show you again." She says, making Brittany frown disapprovingly.

"No way!" She exclaims as she stands up, maybe with some difficulty, and making Santana sigh.

"Britt, your dad sent that to me. It belongs to the past just like everything else, so I think we should forget about that too."

"No. Something's up with that picture, there's something you're not telling me, I know it." Brittany insists as she sits on the couch next to the brunette.

"There really isn't."

"Fine! Then answer this…why do you still have it if you hate the idea of Artie and I together so much? Why don't you delete the picture if you want to forget about it?" Brittany asks challengingly, completely catching Santana off guard.

"I really shouldn't have brought it up." She mumbles to herself but Brittany is too close to her.

"It's not like I forgot about it, San. Look, we're supposed to be honest. Not talking to each other is why we ended up like this."

"Yeah, I know." Santana whispers as she watches the way Brittany is sitting there. "But it's not like _you _are being completely honest with me." She adds pointedly and continues at the blonde's questioning gaze. "Your back hurts."

"It's fine." Brittany sighs and rubs her forehead nervously. She watches the brunette as she shuffles closer to her on the couch and then winces when Santana's hand disappears between the back of the couch and Brittany's back and presses against her muscles.

"You just proved my point, you know." Santana whispers in Brittany's ear, her hot breath hitting the blonde's skin and making her shiver and let out a long breath, that could also be a whimper. "I'm not even touching you for real and it's obvious that it hurts you." Santana says, her soft voice contradicting her heart's crazy heartbeats. She's almost scared that Brittany will snap at any moment, but Santana still dares to touch her like that because she wants to make things right.

"I'm just trying to not complain anymore." Brittany whispers as Santana continues her soft ministrations the best way she can like that, which still hurt the blonde. But it's a good kind of pain, it's relieving.

"Why?"

"I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want the accident to get in the way again and you doing that right now isn't helping at all." Brittany manages to let out, her breath a little heavy as she feels Santana's fingers go down her tensed muscles. "S-stop, please."

"Britt." Santana sighs when she hears how much pain Brittany is still in, and she stops the movements completely. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Brittany says as she turns to face the brunette, the look on her beautiful face and the guilt in her warm brown eyes confirming her suspicions that Santana blames herself for that. "Hey, I'm ok."

"You are not, Brittany. I spent the last two weeks watching you being uncomfortable and in pain. You think I didn't notice?"

"San, I don't want to talk about this." Brittany sighs, making Santana shrug.

"Fine." She whispers as she takes her hand away from the blonde and clasps them together on her lap. She wants to move away too, but Brittany's scent is intoxicating and her warmth is making Santana feel all comfortable. She shouldn't feel that way, she's kind of pissed off at the moment, but she still instinctively seeks any kind of physical contact with Brittany.

"I know I have a problem with my back, San. But it's not your problem too. And it's not your fault either." Brittany says, making Santana frown angrily.

"Stop saying that, will you?" She snaps, surprising the blonde with her outburst. "You and everybody else need to stop saying that because you _don't know_! You don't understand!" She exclaims exasperated and goes to get up from the couch. But Brittany doesn't let her, grabbing her arm and pulling her back down.

"Santana."

"No! I can't keep hearing that. _You_ don't even remember anything. But I do! I remember _everything_. I remember how the car hit you right in front of my eyes and then-" She stops herself to take a big breath because all the things she felt that night and tried to suppress all these years, are coming back to her now in full force. "One second you were there and the next you were gone. You were lying on the ground. And then there was blood everywhere! I didn't even know where it was coming from because you looked just fine. Your eyes were open but you were lost, like you couldn't even remember who you are. It hit you s-so hard." She breathes as her eyes fill with tears. She wills them away though, she doesn't want to cry.

"Baby, come here." Brittany whispers as one arm goes around the brunette's shoulders and tugs her so Santana is leaning against her. She hates seeing her like that, it breaks her heart and all she wants to do is take that pain away from her. Santana only allows herself to let it go because Brittany talks to her and touches her like she wants to make it all go away. But she can't. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"I was so scared that day. You could've died, Brittany. Dead. Do you know what that means? That means not breathing anymore. One second you're alive and your heart is beating and the next you're lying on the ground _dead._ And that would be because of _my _stupidity."

"That's not true." Brittany whispers as her free hand wipes away Santana's tears.

"I don't want you to convince me that it wasn't my fault, Britt. I just _need _you to let me fix it. Because I can't keep seeing you like that."

"Santana." Brittany sighs and bites her bottom lip as her hold around the brunette instinctively tightens. "You can't fix it."

"And you can't keep pushing me away." Santana says back, but her voice is still soft, matching the blonde's. "And you can't keep living like that. You love to dance but you can't even get up from the couch without wincing like an eighty-year-old. Like, my brain cannot process the fact that you haven't danced in _years! _Doesn't it bother you that you can't even stand for more than ten minutes? What about your job? It's obviously getting worse and worse, are you gonna quit or what?"

"It bothers me, ok? And I know it's getting worse as the time goes. But there's still nothing _you _can do about it." Brittany says and then sighs at Santana's disappointed face.

"Well then…" Santana breathes as she tries to get out of the blonde's hold. But Brittany doesn't let her go. "Britt." She whines but the blonde doesn't budge, making Santana sigh. "I think we established where this is going." She mumbles as she turns to see Brittany watching her with an unreadable expression. Their faces are so close, it makes Santana feel comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. "I get that you're hurt and scared and don't really trust me, so I understand why you don't want my help. Because _you know_ it'll help me too if you let me help you. But you don't even want to help yourself. And I'm not gonna sit here and watch us relive what happened five years ago, ok? I'm not gonna do that."

"What are you saying, Santana?" Brittany asks as she brings her other arm around the brunette too, clasping her hands togethere over Santana's ribcage and holds her closer to her. Because she feels like Santana is going to leave again and she doesn't want that. Santana picks up on that, so she doesn't put up any more fight and lets the blonde hold her.

"I'm saying that I want you to be ok. But if you don't want it too, then there's nothing I can do. No matter how hard I try to convince you that I'll be here for you, you're still gonna blame me for what happened. So, I'm telling you…don't do it for me, I'll be gone and that's a promise. But do it for yourself, ok? Get some help."

"Don't talk to me like that." Brittany whispers and then frowns at Santana's confused face. "Like this is the last time you're talking to me."

"It is, if that's what you want."

"It's not!" Brittany says angrily but still quietly.

"Then get your ass up from the couch and do something. Like, I don't know, exercises and stuff. Strengthen your muscles so you can dance again, because deep down we both know that that's what you want to do. There are people who can't even try to do that, but _you can_ and just choose not to. And that's unfair."

"It's not that easy, ok? It's hard and it hurts me and I can't do it! And it has nothing to do with you. Why would you think that I would want to hurt you by hurting myself? And tell me how you're gonna help me without making me need you in my life more than I need freaking air." She demands, effectively rendering Santana speechless. "I know you feel that it's your fault and I want to prove to you that it's not but I can't do that without you. And if I do that with you then I'm gonna need you by my side. And you can't make me need you and then leave me again. I can't even handle the thought. You can't do that, Santana."

"I will _not _do that. I told you I want you to try and I'll be here. I love you, I can't keep seeing you suffering and not doing anything about it. It's like five years ago all over again!"

"Santana." Brittany sighs and leans her forehead against the brunette's temple. This is too intense for her, she's tired and all she wants is for everything to be alright again. "How do I know that you're not gonna get tired of trying to put up with me again? I mean, that's the reason why you left in the first place. And my dad, I guess." Brittany whispers as she pulls back to search Santana's brown beautiful eyes, looking for any kind of hesitation or insecurity or uncertainty. But she finds none.

"I never got tired of trying, Britt." Santana whispers as she curls herself to fit Brittany's body and finally relaxes against her. "I just got tired of not knowing if it's worth it." She tucks her hands between their bodies and hides her face in Brittany's neck, breathing her scent and relaxing herself before kissing the soft skin there. "So, please make it worth it and I promise you I'm not going anywhere."

…

Brittany quietly unlocks the front door and enters the apartment, thinking that Artie is sleeping. But she finds him in the kitchen, playing on his laptop that's on the table.

"Hey, I thought you moved out." He teases.

"Hi." She forces a smile and ignores his comment as she closes the door and takes off her shoes and coat.

"Britt, can we talk?" Artie asks then, making Brittany hold back a sigh because there are other things she would prefer doing right now. But she hasn't seen Artie in three days, so she decides to talk to him.

"What's up?" She asks as she goes to sit on a chair at the other side of the table.

"Look, I just want to tell you to be careful, ok? I think you're being kinda reckless jumping back into a relationship with Santana."

"Santana and I are just friends." Brittany answers back with a strong voice. It's more warning than anything, actually.

"Britt, she's been back for only a few weeks and you're already living with her." Artie reasons.

"Artie, you're my friend and I like you and respect you and all that stuff, but don't _ever _talk about Santana again, unless I talk to you about her first, ok?" She isn't really in the mood to correct him, and she doesn't want to either. What's going on with Santana is only her business.

"Britt." Artie frowns in protest but the blonde is already standing up.

"I'm not gonna talk about it anymore, so I'll assume that was a 'yes'." She says pointedly before leaving him and going in the bathroom.

She closes the door and then pulls her phone out of her pocket, debating whether or not it's too late to call her mother. Well, she can't wait until tomorrow, so she quickly types her number and calls her.

"_Hey, baby._" Brittany hears Susan's soft voice, and all she wants to do is fall in her mother's arms and cry until Santana kisses her again. She quickly pushes that thought away though, because she has no idea where it came from.

"Hey, were you sleeping?"

"_No, I was just about to. Is everything ok?_" Susan asks as Brittany turns around and leans her back on the bathroom door.

"Yeah, I just wanted to ask you if you remember that folder that the physical therapist gave me when we would move here. With the exercises that I could be doing for my back by myself and stuff?" She bites her bottom lip and waits as Susan remains silent for a few seconds.

"_Yes…_" She finally says slowly, and Brittany can hear the uncertainty but also the excitement in her mother's voice.

"Well, do you have it?"

"_Yes, I do have it. Why?_"

"I was just taking inventory of all my stuffs ever and that was missing and I wanted to know if you have it." Brittany rolls her eyes at her ridiculousness and she can practically hear her mother rolling her eyes too.

"_You know what else might be missing? That book with the title 'How to lie to my mother.' I think you need it._" Susan teases, making Brittany giggle. But she doesn't say anything. "_Well, I have the folder. You can come and get it tomorrow._" Susan says then with an amused voice. But Brittany is glad that her mother isn't making a big deal out of this.

"Ok, thanks. Goodnight!"

"_It is definitely going to be a good night, baby girl. I love you._" Susan says with a smile in her voice.

"I love you too." Brittany hangs up the phone and leans her head back on the door as she closes her eyes and sighs.

She's scared to do this. She knows she shouldn't be, Santana promised she would be there. But Brittany is still having a difficult time believing that. She wants Santana to stay, she wants to make things right and relieve the brunette from that guilt that seems to be eating her inside. It's a vicious circle that she can't seem to get out of. But she doesn't want to either. So, she will do it. She will try to get better. Not just for her and not just for Santana. But for both of them. In her mind, that's what destroyed her relationship, and now that's what is going to build it up again.


End file.
